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7 Steps for a Toxic Turnaround

I'm super excited to introduce my good friend and Toxicity Education Advocate, Jen Moff, to follow up on my post listing 9 Signs You're a Toxic Person. This first post was written for toxic folks who need to change. Jen will join us again to speak with people who are in a relationship with a toxic person about how to get help. 🙂

Seven Steps for a Toxic Turnaround1. Feel the burn

Nothing changes except what has to change. And change will not come unless the pain of our current circumstance becomes unbearable.

*Toxic individuals are emotionally immature and it is easier for them to run away and avoid the mess they make. For those around them, this is a lesson in setting healthy boundaries and ceasing co-dependency. If we enable those who are toxic, they will never feel the pain they need in order to change.

You must feel the pain of your choices and behavior.

2. Be honest with yourself

Recognize you have a problem.

You must realize that you are the common denominator in all of your relationship issues. This requires humility. The ego will do whatever it can to protect itself. Once you recognize that, you can take a step forward.

3. Don’t fall into magical thinking

Playing the victim and thinking this is the hand you’ve been dealt is a defense mechanism. Poor you. The pity party is sooooo attractive. It allows you to justify why your way is right and everyone else is wrong. Excuse me while I go vomit.

Seeing life as black and white doesn’t help anyone, unless you are a photographer.

Somebody that I used to know viewed himself as a mythological character. The trickster archetype. He wholeheartedly believed he was the way he was, in order to shake everything up, to change everyone else, to hurt them because in the long run they would learn from interacting with him. Meanwhile he couldn’t change unless it happened organically. He managed to come up with this fantasy so that he could find meaning in his brokenness and cope without having to put forth the effort to do the work.

Friends, I say this with love…that is delusional.

4. Get humble and Ask for help

We can’t do it alone. We just can’t. We were made to live in community, to give and accept help. Each person has strengths, challenges, gifts, and talents.

Help comes in many forms.

In this case I am telling you to seek professional counseling or therapy. Find an individual who specializes in toxic thinking and behaviors, such as Narcissism, as well as holistic health and Mindfulness.

5. Own your sh*t

Admit the truth to those you’ve hurt. Let them know you are working on it with a professional.

Apologizing and asking for forgiveness are powerful, however, many individuals see a true apology as something more. They need to see a behavior change. Let them know you are working on that.

The key here is to be genuine in what you are saying. If you say the words just to say them, but have no intention of acting on them, all you are doing is perpetuating the problem and alienating those who are rooting for you to get the help you need and deserve.

And in the end, they will have learned not to trust the words that come out of your mouth.

6. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the non-judgmental awareness of the present moment.

When we stay in the present moment, we empower ourselves to respond instead of react. For someone who may be toxic, they typically react out of learned behavior patterns that blame or shame everyone around them. “Those people are the problem, not me.”

It’s as if you’ve given your power away.

Being mindful allows you to sit in that space between a stimuli and habitual reaction. In that space, you get to choose something different, it allows you to practice a healthier way to respond and act. Practiced enough, a habit forms. This new habit replaces the old dysfunction. Working with your counselor will help you learn healthier responses.

7. Fight yourself

In any kind of growth or change, sometimes we screw up. Maybe its the “two steps forward, one step back” dance. Lasting change rarely happens with the “cold turkey” concept. Give yourself grace. This will take time. If I’m being honest and realistic, it will probably take longer than you want it to.

Picture yourself in a boxing ring, new you in the left, old you in the right. This competition has a winner. You get to decide which one stands at the end.

There may be times when “new you” gets knocks out and you fall down, barely breathing. That’s OK. Take a moment. Put forth the effort to get back up. Old you is stronger at first. But new you has the heart of a warrior.

You must put forth effort in every moment. It may be uncomfortable, it may be painful, challenging, hard, or disheartening. But it will absolutely be possible.

You are worth it.

Jen Moff is the founder of the #BeMindFULL Movement, a safe and like-minded community that inspires others to live mindfully and find healing and fulfillment. Jen teaches women to identify toxic relationships and to blossom into the best possible version of themselves. Jen’s favorite pastimes consist of visiting Disney World, making lip-sync videos, and photo-bombing. Connect with Jen on her site, via Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook. Follow the BeMindFULL Movement here.

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If a tree falls in the forest…

Thank you for giving me a voice.There's an old philosophical debate that asks:

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Sometimes bloggers feel like fallen trees in the middle of a forest.

We write. And write. And write.

And wonder whether anyone is hearing our voice, as expressed through the words we write.

We check stats, social shares, and comments (some more than others).

All with the hopes and dreams that our words will help people reduce or eliminate some point of pain in their lives.

I, for example, help people improve their relationships though talking openly about some pretty painful times in my life and how I am putting my life back together one tiny piece at a time.

Knowing that you are reading my words gives me an incredible feeling of support and acceptance.

Because, in a way, it tells me that I have a voice.

That the words I am writing are being read – being “heard.”

Because no matter where you are on the philosophical debate, the tree definitely makes a sound when somebody is around to hear it fall.

Thank you for giving me a voice by reading the words on this little corner of the Internet.

~Nick

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Give The Gift of Listening

Talk about things to be thankful for! Today we get another a peek into the home of Dan and Joanne Miller and how they continue to create a life that is meaningful. We have 30 people coming to our house tomorrow for Thanksgiving and I know my conversations with them are going to be ten times better having read this. And please join me in expressing to Joanne know how thankful we are that she continues to share her wisdom and experiences here.
Give the gift of listening

©Depositphotos.com/shalamov

It is a tradition in our home that when we have lots of people sitting around our dining room table for a meal, we have a jar on the table full of questions.  Before we dig into the food, each person chooses a question from the jar so he/she can contemplate the answer.  When the meal is finished we sit at the table and take turns answering the question we have received.

Now there are a few rules:

1.  No one is allowed to insert his/her own experience or answer to this question unless asked specifically to do so.

2.  Don’t even think about interrupting! Wait your turn.

3.  Really listen to what is being said. You may learn something new about that person you hadn’t known before.

4.  Don’t take twenty minutes giving your answer.  Be respectful of others and limit your time to no more than two minutes.  It’s longer than you think!

This table game is great for learning more about friends and family.  It is also a good exercise for listening and for sharing (briefly, not in monologues).  The questions can have a theme or can be general.  We have, through the years, changed them to fit the group, the theme or the ambience we wanted to create.

We are approaching the time of year when one’s thoughts go to gratefulness and thanksgiving and then to giving and receiving gracefully.

Lots of opportunities to have a jar of questions on your table that make a meal more than food and drink.  We have had some memorable experiences, laughs and deep discussions come from doing this game.  But let me suggest a twist on this family tradition.

One year we simply didn’t have much money for gift giving.  So I got creative about what to do for the most special person in my life….my hubby.  I got a stately container (suitable for a man’s desk) and constructed 31 quotations, words of wisdom and love, placed them into the container and wrapped it for him for Christmas.  His instructions were to begin each of his days reading one of the slips of paper I had lovingly hand-written specifically for him and to know I did each one with prayer and the hopes that the words from my heart would brighten his day.  It was a gift that kept on giving.

You don’t have to have a lot of money to make your life meaningful and adventurous.

We have had people beg to be included in family nights and dinner parties because they know we don’t sit around trying to create inane chit-chat or play on our cell phones.  We stimulate great communication by asking pointed questions and getting honest information from the heart.  And we have learned to give gifts of love that include sharing and listening.

What topics would you like to discuss at a dinner party?

What could you put in a container to let someone you love know you are thinking of them daily and giving them a piece of your heart?  This could be done for a child who is away at college, a long-distance relative, a friend laid up with illness or recovering from an accident.  The list is endless.  Get creative this holiday season and think of ways to make this year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas more memorable and joyful.

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).

In her new book, Be Your Finest Art, you will find more ideas about how to be a better communicator and listener and how playing games creates great memories and family time. This book is full of color and art and is a beautiful and affordable gift for Christmas giving.

She has also authored four children’s books, which my kids LOVE. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!

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9 Signs You’re a Toxic Person

9-signs-youre-a-toxic-person-1Toxic people are everywhere – at work, at the gym, on the highway, you name it.

We all have seasons in our lives when we're frustrated, depressed, or discouraged. After all, those are all natural human emotions.

But beyond occasional bouts of depression or even just “the grumpies” lies a place where nobody wants to be: Toxicity.

So what happens when one of them lives in your house?

And when that person is you?

It doesn't take much research to find study after study associating negative close relationships with higher probabilities of things like heart disease, depression, adrenal fatigue, obesity, and early death.

And while we might all question the “need” for a study to tell us being a toxic jerk is a bad thing, the studies are there. So now we have common sense and science telling us being toxic is a bad thing.

Given that, how can you tell if you're a toxic jerk causing the person you promised to love forever – the person you love second most in the world (after yourself, naturally…) – extreme mental and physical harm?

Here are 9 warning signs that your spouse is living with a toxic person…

And, before you ask, the answer to “What if I only display one or two of these?  Does that mean I'm toxic?” the answer is “I don't know, but if you only display one or two of these that at least means you have one or two things to work on no matter what the ‘label,'” wouldn't you agree?

One more thing: while I could suggest ways to get help, I asked my good friend and Toxicity Education Advocate, Jen Moff, to draft a couple of posts for all of us on that. Be sure to check back right here the next two Mondays to welcome Jen and thank her for sharing such important information with all of us!

Update: Here are Jen's awesome posts to read after you read this, which give you some things to think about if you or someone you love is toxic. Don't worry, these will open in a new tab or window, so you won't lose your spot if you click them now. Here you go: 7 Steps for a Toxic Turnaround and Staying Safe and Healthy When in Love with Someone Toxic. Thanks Jen!

Okay. As promised, here are the nine signs that you're a toxic person:

1. You're self-centered.

When you get home and your wife says she had a rough day, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If your natural reaction starts with something like “you think you had a bad day” you might be a toxic husband.

2. You're controlling.

Does she have to ask your permission to do things that normal people “just do”? How do you react when you ask her for something and she says no? Do you get mad? Pout? Go on a guilt trip offensive?

3. You would rather be right than happy.

There's a difference between being “right” and being “happy.” If you don't know the difference or don't care as long as you're right, you might be a toxic husband. Do you keep arguing until she gives in even when you're plain wrong? Are you so focused on being right that you lose sight of what you're actually arguing about sometimes? Bullying your way through an argument until your wife gives in even when you're wrong makes nobody happy.

4. You're negative.

Do you wake up in the morning waiting for the world to suck the life out of you? Are your days “bad” until something happens to make it “good”? Do you find yourself responding to pretty good news with “yea, but [something to the effect of it could have been better]”? Do you find yourself regularly seeing the negative in things?

5. You talk too much.

Is there anything more demoralizing than trying to express a want or need to the person who promised to love you forever but not being heard? When your wife is talking are you actually listening or are you just waiting for her mouth to stop moving so you can say what you want to next?

6. You've never met a “victim card” you didn't play.

You know those people. The world is out to get them. They have no luck. They can't do anything right. They were the only people stuck in traffic. Their boss won't listen to them. Their wife doesn't understand them. They, they, they.

7. You think your spouse owes you something.

Your wife promised to love you, respect you, and care for you. And you promised the same in return. You did not vow to “love and respect you as long as you go first.” If you withhold affection, emotional support, companionship or anything else that goes with being a loving husband because you think she hasn't done enough, you may have some serious problems.

8. “Everything” is “always” an extreme and you “never” get “any” “help.”

Does your wife never listen? Does she always nag you? Do you do everything around the house and never get a second to relax? If you're constantly going to the extreme, you've lost touch with reality and might be a toxic husband. The reality is that unless there's a toxic spouse or agreement where one spouse does one chore and the other does another, rarely is one spouse doing “everything” in a relationship. If you constantly say or think in extremes, you may be a toxic husband.

9. Boundaries? What boundaries?

Your spouse needs space sometimes. Respect that. If you get upset when your wife is tired or frustrated and asks for some time alone then you might be a toxic person. If your wife closes a door and you just barge in without knocking, that's pretty inconsiderate. Just like you want some space or boundaries, so does she. Oh, and if you thought “I'll respect hers when she respects mine,” you might be a toxic husband.

So what now?

All of us have our moments. But moments are fleeting. If you find yourself regularly engaging in activities like these, you're likely hurting the person you're supposed to love the most.

Chances are none of you are truly happy.

And maybe it's time for you to figure out what you can do to improve.

Be sure to check back next Monday for Jen's first post or subscribe to the site to have it sent right to your e-mail!

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