Posted on

My 7 Favorite “Long-Term Relationship Hacks”

My 7 Favorite Long-Term Relationship HacksAnother day another viral marriage post that comes across my keyboard, this one courtesy of a friend who just needed to share Buzzfeed's “15 Long-Term Relationship Hacks” post from a little over a year ago.

At first a post touting relationship “hacks” seemed suspicious. But after reading the subtitle and list of “hacks,” it's clear that the title was just effective copywriting.

The list has some pretty creative ideas to help solve some of the more common day-to-day relationship issues that can cause turmoil and tips on living a happy life with your happy wife!

Here are a my 7 favorite “Relationship Hacks” from the post. Be sure to check out the other 8 in the original Buzzfeed post.  

If I've learned anything since starting this journey, it's that it's super important to be conscious and intentional about things like these and continue to read, listen to, and discuss ways to continually improve as a spouse.

OK.  Let's dig in:

1. Talk about the good stuff first.

When you get home from work, the first thing each of you talk about is the best thing that happened to each of you that day. It doesn't matter what it is. Just start with the best thing that happened. Start positive, no matter how frustrating your day was. Brilliant.

2. Use gift-giving occasions as an opportunity to encourage your partner to try something new.

This is pretty awesome. Instead of another sweater or manicure, use holidays and birthdays to buy your partner things like classes, tools, instruments, and other things that will help them broaden their horizons and let them know you believe in them.  I suggest adding a nice note of encouragement to it and consider making it a gift for two, too.

3. Prove yourself wrong sometimes

Freely admit that you were wrong when you are wrong.  HINT: You're often wrong.  You’ll find that it’s actually freeing for you and your spouse will appreciate it and start taking after your example. Yep. This whole blog is about me being wrong… 🙂

4. Don’t gloat when you’re right.

Just as important as admitting when you're wrong is being graceful when you're right. Gloating when you're right is divisive. And gloating about being right is a surefire way to end up “wrong” even when you technically started out right…

5. If you agree to let something go and move on, LET IT GO AND MOVE ON.

This is a HUGE trust issue. And it's important for your mind, too.  (BONUS: Most things should be let go. Not everything is about the “principle.”).

6. Take breaking up off the table when you’re fighting.

This takes arguments to a whole other level. Your goal should be to de-escalate an argument. Turn it into a “discussion.” And never, ever mention breaking up in a fight. If you are going to break up with someone, that's a separate discussion and doesn't belong in the heat of an argument.

7. Collaborate on a long list of things you’ve always wanted to do in your own city

Take that list and choose one for each date night. (Also be sure to designate a date night.).  I'm a big fan of batching activities like writing, recording, working, etc. It gets your juices flowing and allows you to be way more productive and “in the zone” with each activity.  This is like batching date night ideas and can be fun to cross things off the list.  Maybe even take 6 or 8 ideas each date night, write them on post-it notes and put the notes on a board game spinner to choose that week's date night activity… 🙂

Relationship Hacks?

Who knows. I still think just creative copywriting. But I'm glad it caught my friend's attention because it put some cool tips on my screen.

Do you have any creative tips to add to the list?  Let me know in the comments or e-mail me at Nick@ATerribleHusband.com.  

I'd love to hear from you!

Posted on

Do you love the one you love?

Do you love the one you love-

©Depositphotos.com/mischenkod

This doesn't happen often, but these last two posts from Joanne were so awesome that I put off my post that was supposed to go live in between.  🙂

So instead of a post last wednesday I delayed it until next Monday so we could enjoy these two posts in a row!

Can you remember the moment you fell in love?

That pivotal moment when, suddenly, the world stood still and you imagined a full orchestra playing a crescendo of romantic music in the background and your heart did a flip-flop like you had just dropped from cresting a gigantic hill on a roller-coaster? That kind of love? Can you remember it?

A mutual friend introduced Dan to me on my very first day at the Ohio State University branch campus. I was a seventeen-year-old sheltered and very naive freshman and he was a Conservative Mennonite eighteen-year-old sophomore. I needed a ride to campus several days a week and he was quick to jump at the opportunity. We quickly became great friends. But I remember one day as clear as a bell. The day IT happened. He had picked me up in his little Renault Dauphine (look it up!) four-speed on the floor. We were talking animatedly, as always when he reached up to adjust the volume on the radio. Instead of bringing his hand back down to rest on the gear shift, he rested it on my knee. Now, come on, you know that feeling. Like an electrical spark happens and you suddenly realize this isn’t just a friendship any more. And that is exactly what happened. In less than a year we were married. That incident happened in 1967. A few years ago. But to this day, I love it when Dan puts his hand on my knee, or pulls me in a bear-hug or snuggles up to keep me warm.

Decades of marriage bring on differing manifestations of love. They may not include all the tingles and butterflies and crescendos of orchestral music, but I challenge you to never forget why you fell in love with the one you love. Because, chances are, the very reasons you did are often the very attributes that cause you to bristle and pull your hair out in frustration. Funny how that happens. As a very naive seventeen-year-old who never experienced having a father or brother, I cherished the strength and determination I saw in Dan. I still do. I loved his brain and his ability to be decisive and carry through. I still do. And sometimes those very things I most love about him are what drive me mad. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I, too, have a voice in what happens in our relationship because if I don’t I can quickly become consumed by his more overpowering personality.

Ever have this kind of conversation?

Dan: “Where would you like to go to eat?”
Joanne: “I don’t know. I ‘m open to whatever.”
Dan: “Ok then, let’s go to Gracias.”
Joanne: “No, I don’t want Mexican!”
Dan: “Well, how about sushi?”
Joanne: “No, I eat there every week with the girls and I’m getting tired of sushi!”
Dan: “Why don’t you tell me where you would like to go then?!”
Joanne: “I said I was open….just not those places.”

By now Dan is feeling like Charlie Brown when Lucy has once again retracted the football when he was running to kick it. And I’m wishing I could be more decisive and make the choice without this kind of scenario. But we are different and after all these decades we recognize those differences and they don’t bother us as much as they did when we were early into our relationship, trying to figure each other out.

Every now and then I think on why I married my dear husband. And I keep a couple of photographs on display in our home of when we were first married and had stars in our eyes and so much love in our hearts we were full to bursting. Our love hasn’t diminished. It has grown so much stronger through the years because we have learned to live with each other in the everyday. Not just the date nights when everything is perfect, the candles are burning and the orchestra is playing in our heads and we see nothing but the best in one another. We have been together through some very rough times and clung together in tears and in loss.

How has your love changed for your partner?

I challenge you to spend an evening together reminiscing about the first time you knew for certain THIS was the one. The only one. Perhaps you will hear music you had forgotten was there all the time.

Posted on

Do you love me? (What to do to make sure your spouse never has to ask)

Do you love me-Golde: Do I love him? For twenty-five years, I've lived with him, Fought with him, starved with him. For twenty-five years, my bed is his. If that's not love, what is?
Tevye: Then you love me?
Golde: I suppose I do.
Tevye: And I suppose I love you, too.
Together: It doesn't change a thing, but even so, after twenty-five years, it's nice to know*

I just came back from a week spent on a California beach with my long-time girlfriend, Irene.

As soon as I began to unpack my suitcase, a huge smile lit up my face with the discovery of one of Dan’s love-notes. Just simple, handwritten notes on post-it sheets telling me he is thinking of me, wishing me a great time with my dear friend, and just loving me.

Telling me he loves me. Throughout the week I kept discovering more notes.

When did he have time to write them and insert them into my suitcase when I didn’t know? That’s always part of the mystery and fun… and romance of it.

You see we have been doing this for each other most of our marriage. If one of us goes away without the other, the traveler can expect to find love notes somewhere in his bags or books. And the one staying home can expect to find a note, card, or delayed email.

I usually leave a nice letter for him on his pillow. I have even been known to put a note in the shower, inside the lid of the Mentholatum he puts on his lips at night to keep them soft (for me!), tucked into his underpants or the sleeve of a shirt.

He will often stick a love note inside the book I am taking along to read or layer them in the many layers of clothing I simply “have” to take.

The point is, we take the time to let each other know we will be thinking of them even when we are apart. Especially when we are apart. Tangible gifts of love.

It is great to hear, “I love you”. In fact it is very important to hear the words. Never forget that.

I remember a conversation Dan and I had soon after we were married. He did not come from a home where “I love you” was said verbally. Neither did I. But I craved it. I wanted to hear the words. Dan figured if he was showing me by doing things for me and keeping a roof over my head, I should know he loves me. Why use up words? I would say them often to him, hoping he would figure it out at some point. Finally one day I got tired of waiting:

Me: “Dan, do you love me?”
Dan: “Of course, why?”
Me: “Then why is it so hard for you to tell me so?”
Dan: “I do tell you!”
Me: “Yes, you do…..after I have told you. Always after I have said it first. You sound like a parrot. Polly want a cracker?” (Ok, that was a little sarcastic and totally not necessary…especially since Polly was my mother’s name….. but I was in a mood)
Dan (totally stumped): “I show you all the time that I love you.” (Ok, now he sounds like Golde in Fiddler on the Roof and I am wanting Antonio Banderas)
Me: “But I need to hear you say the words. Not because you heard me say them but because you mean them and you want me to know it. I see it in action but I long to hear it in your voice.”
Dan: “Ok, I can work on that. I love you!”

And he did.

A lot.

Over the years he has been more aware of saying it to his loved ones. He never hangs up the phone with one of our children or grandchildren without saying, “I love you.” He never leaves the house without kissing me and saying those three important words. It has become a good habit that endears him to family and home.

Don’t be a parrot. Don’t overlook the importance of those three small words. And the love notes…..

Be Antonio Banderas! She’ll love it.

*Lyrics from Do You Love Me?, Fiddler on the Roof. Written by: GORDY, BERRY JR, Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, BOCK IP LLC, IMAGEM U.S. LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Posted on

4 Myths about Marriage Counseling

UPDATE: This post has turned into one of the most popular posts on Confessions of a Terrible Husband! Because of that I took a few minutes to talk about it a bit more on the Confessions of a Terrible Husband Podcast. You can listen to the episode by clicking the play button at the bottom of this post or by visiting any of the listening options linked on the top of the page!

Also, if you're interested in joining my upcoming small group marriage mastermind, be sure to sigh up for my email list because I'll be revealing details to the subscribers first! It will be limited to 12 people! Just sign up here on the sidebar, or you can also email me at nick@aterriblehusband.com!

4 Myths About Marriage Counseling

©Depositphotos.com/lisafx

As you might imagine, I've read a lot about marriage over the last few years. As I got more and more uncomfortable with my relationship I looked in more and more places for answers.

Simple google searches. Books about love and respect, happiness, or love languages. Websites that talk about what makes a happy wife. Small groups of people committed to improving their relationships. And, of course, that weekend in Franklin, Tennessee, in May 2013 that proved unintentionally life changing.

All of these things helped me take control of and improve my marriage. But for a long time, one thing was missing, at least my commitment level to that one thing. I didn't know it at the time, but after interviewing several people for the upcoming podcast (which is in post-production with my show notes guy as I type!) I lacked buy-in to one key element of relationship building:

An unbiased neutral facilitator in the same room as my wife and me.

I had done it, but hadn't really bought into it until I got on the line with John G. Miller, the personal accountability guru. When I asked John for his best advice for you and me, his answer shocked me.

John G. Miller is the author of several books, including The Question Behind the Question, Parenting the QBQ Way: How to be an Outstanding Parent and Raise Great Kids Using the Power of Personal Accountability, and Outstanding!: 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional, an awesome book written for organizations but featuring advice that is equally applicable at home, too.

He is the personal accountability guy. That means he knows the why and the how of taking personal responsibility over things.

But his best advice was to seek a neutral facilitator at times in your marriage. And he confided in us that he and his wife of over 3 decades had done just that.

As you can imagine, when he mentioned a neutral facilitator I listened. And I wondered why I hadn't given it the value that he did before….

In business I'm a big proponent of getting outside opinions. I've hired coaches in my professional life. And I coach high potential individuals on how to build strong businesses and successful careers without leaving their families behind.

So why hadn't I valued it with my marriage before? Why did I just go through the motions with it before?

I've asked myself those questions several times since then. And every time I did, I came up with the same answers.

4 Myths About Marriage Counseling

1. You don't need it.

For the longest time I thought I didn't need it. I was a big personal accountability guy. I helped make the mess. I can help clean it up. What would a counselor offer to us that I couldn't do myself? “If we just [enter any number of things],” then we would be all set. Yet weeks or months would go by and we'd be in the same cycle over and over. We would not put any focus on “our issues,” but rather just get busy with the day-to-day that is raising two kids and managing lives.

But having weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly sessions with a coach or marriage counselor forces you to pause from all that and focus openly on what you can do to improve your relationship. So, yeah, we've started doing that. That focus, with someone there to facilitate the conversation, is definitely “needed.”

Sure, some (or all) of what a session with a neutral facilitator could be done by yourselves at home with proper discipline and perspective. But we hadn't done it yet…. So….

2. Only the weakest couples get it.

If the first part of this post didn't convince you that this is a myth, I don't know what will. The most successful people in sports and business have coaches, counselors, consultants, and others pouring into them. What makes you think marriage is any different?

3. It means you're weak.

This was tough for me. I am a personal accountability guy. I am “Mr. Fixit.” What does it say that I can't fix my marriage alone and need outside help?

It froze me for a while. But, again, if the best in business and sports have outside help, marriage shouldn't be any different.

In fact, choosing to get outside help is a pretty bold decision in my book.

If anything, making that choice might indicate strength, rather than weakness.

4. It will work like magic.

The thing about any counseling or coaching is that it puts you in the best position to make positive changes in your life.

That's where the personal accountability comes back into play. No coach or counselor is going to give you all the solutions for your life. They can help guide you and provide you with a safe environment to explore what your current situation is and what might need to be done to improve it.

But your coach or counselor is not going to be around 24/7 to make every choice for you. You need to do that.

Coaching or counseling works best when everyone involved is committed to discussing things openly, accepting guidance, and doing things differently.

A counselor will look in from the outside and suggest ways to improve things that you might not see because you're too emotionally invested, biased, or both.

The counselor can provide you a roadmap. But you won't get anywhere unless you follow it.

What other myths about marriage counseling have I missed?

In speaking with several folks who coach or counsel married couples, as well as from being involved in several groups of people who are actively seeking to improve their relationships, one spouse often gets on board with counseling while the other resists.

If you're that resisting spouse, perhaps it's time to ask yourself why you resist.

Do you think it shows weakness? Do you think it's not needed? Are you afraid that it will force you to make an uncomfortable change?

If you liked this post, listen to the podcast episode. I chat about a lot of this and go a bit deeper into my thoughts on it along with a special announcement about a way to connect deeper with me!

Listen Here:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download