Sometimes we come across new ways of thinking, of looking at the world, that cause us to take meaningful action to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

Whether it's love languages, personal accountability, or confessions from a darker time, it's so important for our families and ourselves to stretch our minds with great new information and push us in an even better direction.

In this episode of the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast, I talked with a guy named Bill McDonald. Bill created The 13 Codes, a Code of Conduct he developed to help men find deeper levels of fulfillment in their work, relationships, and health. He's former Green Beret, top fitness trainer, and coach to high-achieving men, he teaches his clients how to discipline their minds and bodies so they can find deeper levels of fulfillment in their work, relationships, and health.

He's a former Green Beret, top fitness trainer, and coach to high-achieving men, teaching his clients how to discipline their minds and bodies so they can achieve holistic mental, physical, and emotional health.

In this episode, Bill shares his story and dives deep into three of the thirteen codes and invites us to participate in free training he's conducting to help us go even deeper with the code of conduct. Bill leans heavily on his physical fitness and military training, bringing a refreshing and unique voice to personal improvement.

You can listen to the episode right here:

You can also listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, Facebook, Google Play, and more… Seriously, it's pretty much everywhere you can find a podcast!

To sign up for the free training and learn more about Bill and The 13 Codes, just go right here. While you're there, be sure to check out Bill's signature program, The 13 Codes Academy, which he talks briefly about on the show, too. The 13 Codes Academy is an online coaching experience designed to equip men with the weaponry they need to go into the battlefield of their life and crush every obstacle in their path. It’s designed to help you improve your romantic relationship (Bill survived 5 years of what he now laughingly refers to as marriage combat with his wife CJ, and they have a stronger relationship than ever!), find work you love, and maximize your physical health.

The 13 Codes Academy is an online coaching experience designed to help men crush every obstacle between the life they have now and the legacy they want to build in the future. It’s designed to help men improve their romantic relationships, find work they love, and maximize their physical health. Bill and his wife CJ survived 5 years of what they now laughingly refer to as “marriage combat” to achieve a stronger relationship than ever!

His story is fascinating and I'm honored to welcome him as one of very few guests to the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast!

Here's the link to his free training again.

Here's the link to his site.

And here's the link to The 13 Codes Academy

The post The Husband Code of Conduct with Bill McDonald appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

What could you do for your family if you had access to the leading expert in the 7 most important areas of family life?

What could you do with your family if those experts each gave you their best advice for something you could do today to improve your relationship.

That's what today's podcast episode is about.

In it, I interview Mark Timm, husband, father of six teenagers, and CEO of Ziglar Family.

After accepting a challenge to improve my marriage by taking a FREE 7-day challenge brought to you by the Ziglar Family, I'm honored that Mark agreed to share the purpose behind the challenge and how anyone can improve their family life by dedicating about 10 minutes a day for a week.

I also share my thoughts on the Day 1 interview (today) with Dr. Gary Chapman and how my 7-year-old son nailed the lesson after watching today's video just one time.

In other words, the challenge is so easy and simple, even a 2nd grader can do it. You can too!

Here's the audio to listen to the interview:

If you prefer video, we did something fun and recorded the video of the interview. See if you can find the point where a poster falls out of the window in my office…. let me know what you think about having video involved on interviews. We just did a basic recording, which you'll see, but I like the depth a bit, even if my camera's in a place where it looks like I'm looking down at my feet when I'm looking at Mark's video window on my computer, haha!

Great stuff!

In case you're wondering: Here's why you're seeing another episode and blog post so soon:

Last week I recorded an episode about 3 ways to kickstart your stale marriage. The third way was to take a challenge. I was psyched that a challenge of this quality and price (FREE!) was starting up and challenged you to take it along with me.

I also offered to do a podcast/blog marathon if enough people reached out.

You did! Wow! I heard from nearly 100 people who wanted to take the challenge with me.

So, starting today, I'm kicking off the free challenge with you by podcasting and blogging a daily episode about the daily challenge. It starts today!

It starts today so sign up and follow along with me!

Sign up and take it with me!

You’ll be learning from:

• Dr. Gary Chapman (relationships)
• Michael & Gail Hyatt (communication)
• Dr. Josh Axe (physical health)
• Tony Dungy (work/life balance)
• Brian Buffini (community)
• Dave Ramsey (finances)
• and Zig Ziglar’s own children – Cindy, Julie, and Tom (spiritual)

Sweet, right?!?!

It's free, and it'll be fun and motivating.

Better yet, it'll help your family win!

Here's the link to the FREE Ziglar Family Challenge again!

Let me know what you think and feel free to share your thoughts to the challenge content in the comments to this post!

The post How to Improve Your Family Life in Only 7 Days appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Almost four years ago, I realized I was a terrible husband. I was lazy, unintentional, unreliable, and more. If not for a chance encounter with a couple who would quickly become my friends and mentors, I have no doubt that I’d be writing about my former marriage by now.

Since then, I’ve spent four years learning and applying as much as I can to improve my relationship and by sharing my favorite lessons learned from the pros, help you improve yours, too, no matter how great your relationship already is!

If you’re new to the site, the best ways to get into my head and take advantage of the research I’ve done (and mistakes I’ve made) already are to pick up my book, Confessions of a Terrible Husband: Lessons Learned from a Lumpy Couch, check out more posts right here, follow me on social channels, or listen to the podcast (It’s on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, and more. Just hover over the word “podcast” on the top of any page on the site!).

Although my marriage is much improved, it’s definitely been more of a roller coaster than a rocket ship launching into space. We have ups and downs, like any relationship, although the ups are “uppier” and the downs are less “downish.” Yes, I made those words up. It’s my blog. I can do that.

We’ve had periods where we make great progress and then weeks or months where things feel a bit stale and need a kickstart.

When that happens, these three things help regain focus, direction, and momentum!

If you want to hear more detail about these, don't miss the podcast episode based on this! You can listen to it right here, or on your preferred podcast app like iTunes, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Stitcher, and more!

Change your dinner plans.

It’s no secret that Dan and Joanne Miller were the first marriage mentors who I connected with to help me transform my relationship. Since meeting them, I’ve been very intentional to surround myself with many other men, women, and couples with great marriages so I can learn as much as possible. As motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said, we’re the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

One of the easiest ways to start with this is to just begin making dinner plans with couples you believe have great marriages. Keep it simple. You don’t need any magic words or to ask any specific questions. Just spend more time with people who have relationships like you want to build and less time with people who don’t. You can learn a ton just by being around people with great marriages.

Change your programming with new books, podcasts, or video content.

If you can’t find people with great marriages to spend more time with, find virtual mentors by reading books, listening to podcasts, or watching great video content. If you can do this with your spouse, even better. But if not, that’s okay. Make the first move by consuming content that can help you improve your relationship and applying the lessons you learn.

Before I turned 30, I had read fewer than 10 books for personal growth, and those were all finance and business books. After turning 30, I started reading more business and marketing books. Although my finances looked great and my career was going well, my personal life was pretty . . . well, you know the name of this blog, so that pretty much says it all.

Now, I’m constantly either reading a book, listening to a podcast, or watching a video about improving my relationship and then committing to applying at least one thing I learned from the material. My favorite way to do it is through audiobooks, which I can listen to while emptying the dishwasher, cleaning my office, and more. I highly recommend everyone subscribe to Audible where you can get a new book every month. If you aren’t a member yet, you can get a free month and a free book to keep (even if you cancel) by heading here.

However you consume content, direct some of it on a regular basis to improving your relationships, and commit to applying one lesson you learn from each piece of content to put a jolt in your relationship.

Take a guided challenge!

When you’re just starting to intentionally improve your relationship, or if it’s been weeks or months since you last made an intentional effort, one of the easiest and best ways to build positive momentum is to take a guided challenge.

The best part about taking a guided challenge is it takes all the thinking out of improving your relationship! You don’t need to look for a lesson or get anyone’s buy-in. You just follow the instructions.

I’ve made it a point to take at least one challenge every year and each time I take one, my marriage gets a great boost!

This year, I’m taking a FREE 7-day challenge by the Ziglar family (yes, that Ziglar family!) that starts Monday, March 27, 2017, and I’d like to invite you to do it with me.

After taking a deep dive behind the scenes of the free 7-day challenge, I saw three things that made me quickly become more excited about this free challenge than about many paid challenges I’ve seen.

First, it’s only 7 days long. Anyone can stick to a challenge for 7 days.

Second, it touches 7 key areas of family life, including relationship, communication, physical health, work–life integration, community, financial, and—if you’re spiritual in nature—spiritual.

Finally, the challenge is led by seven leading experts on their relevant subject matter.

Get this:

Day 1: Gary Chapman (Relationships)

Day 2: Michael & Gail Hyatt (Communication)

Day 3: Dr. Josh Axe (Physical Health)

Day 4: Tony Dungy (Work–Life Integration)

Day 5: Brian Buffini (Community)

Day 6: Dave Ramsey (Finances)

Day 7: Zig Ziglar’s own children – Cindy, Julie, and Tom (Spirituality).

Needless to say, that’s seven sorts of awesome right there. And each of them shares their best advice for you during the challenge!

I hope you join me in taking the challenge! I liked it so much I agreed to help promote the free challenge for them in addition to taking it myself. It’s totally free to sign up. They also have other great free content there to check out and a paid membership and coaching program if you want to go even deeper, so be sure to check it out.

Are you ready to kickstart your marriage?

How will you do it? Will you change your dinner plans? Will you change your programming? Will you join me in the FREE 7-day challenge? All 3? Something else?

In the comments, share how you’re going to kickstart your relationship.

If you’re going to join me in the Ziglar family challenge, be sure to come back here and share your progress in the comments to this post and look out for more great posts (and a surprise podcast episode) from me!

The post 3 Ways to Kickstart Your Stale Marriage appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

I’ll give you an experiment to try: The next time somebody asks you how you’ve been or what you’re up to, answer without using the word “busy.”

We use it as a default word to describe our lives but what we really mean is that we aren’t in control of our time or our life. Because of that, we’ve developed all sorts of bad habits in our marriage.

• We don’t go to bed at the same time.
• We don’t cultivate common interests.
• We don’t check in with them to see how things are during the day

Maybe you feel this way, too?

Maybe you feel so underwater with all of your obligations that your wife and marriage is not only not your first priority, but it barely makes the top 10 list.

Let’s fix that…

YOUR “ONE WORD” FOR 2017

I’m a big fan of setting my intentions. What I’ve proven to be a great way to do that is to choose a single word to govern my decision-making for the year. In the past, I’ve chosen various words and all of them have had dramatic, positive effects on my faith, family, and business.

For 2017, your “one word” must be…

No.

Your word for 2017 is “No.”

What you’re able to do depends on what you say no to.

In order to say yes to your marriage, you’re going to have to say no to the things that are detracting from it, if even just for a short season.

First, decide what is most important to you in order of priority.

We often say that we want a great marriage, but our actions don’t reflect it.

Actions indicate priorities.

I remember early on in my marriage, I felt like my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu training was in competition with my relationship. So I took a break from Jiu Jitsu. I tested it. You should test everything in your life at one point or another. What you’ll realize that is things are never as bad as you think they’ll be.

I took a break, focused on my relationship, and was able to get back to training with the support of my spouse.

Win – Win.

The harsh truth is, however, that you are going to have to get rid of some of the things you’re currently doing. The good news is that there’s some really easy ones you can purge first…

FLAUBERT’S LAW

So this isn’t exactly a law, or science, but Austin Kleon turned me onto one of the most important quotes I’ve ever heard when it comes to doing what matters:

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” – Gustave Flaubert

Be incredibly boring.

As a husband, you know there’s a lot of strength in the routine. This is why you hear about people like Steve Jobs and Zucks wearing the same outfits over and over again. Less decision fatigue = more creativity.

Business, like family, is won or lost in the number of easy decisions and debates you can eliminate.

We have a finite number of decisions we can effectively make every day before we start to exhaust ourselves mentally.

My friend, Dave Chesson of Kindlepreneur, is a master at this because of, in part, his military background. I don't know anybody else who can focus on the important quite like Dave.

Want an example? How many dinners out with your wife have been stressful because of the pre-dinner discussion (read: argument) about where to go eat?

Eliminate that decision point and you’ll have a much better time out. I promise.

Eliminate even more by saying “no” to the things that don’t matter and you’ll have a better marriage (and be a better dad!). That, too, I promise.

Here’s a “Yes” shortlist (based on Kleon’s writing) that I’m using to decide what to say “No” to in 2017. If it doesn’t align with these goals, then I’m not doing it.

• Take care of yourself.
• Stay out of debt. Live within your means. Save.
• Keep your day job… for money, connection, routine.
• Take jobs you can learn from, for your art.
• Do your work every day, no matter what.
• Get a calendar. Fill the boxes.
• Body of work = slow accumulation of little bits of effort over time
• Keep a log book. (Chart of past events.)
• List what you do every day… good resource for later.
• Marry well. (Choose who you want to be around.)

DISCIPLINE EQUALS FREEDOM

Whenever I’m struggling to say no to something, I decide to be tougher. I’m tougher than this conversation. I’m tougher than this decision. I’m tougher than this email. In whatever way I have to say no to something, I can choose to be tougher.

“If you want to be tougher mentally, it is simple: Be tougher. Don’t meditate on it.” – Jocko Willink

Operating within parameters always gives us more freedom and happiness in life. By deciding what we will say yes to and what we will say no to far in advance, give our focus on our marriage, we can have so much more freedom when decision time comes.

For instance, here are things I’ve said no to in the last 24 hours so that I could say yes to my marriage and my family:

• No, that doesn’t fit with my goals right now.
• No, cool person who likes my podcast, I can’t grab coffee.
• No, League of Legends, I can’t play you right now.
• No, squat workout, I can’t skip you.
• No, iPhone, I can’t check you.

Notice my use of “can’t” instead of “won’t.” Since I have a decision, it should be that I “will not” do something. However, by making it a moral imperative to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my goals, I am mentally, physically, and emotionally unable to do those things. Hence, the use of “Can’t.”

If you’re like me, you’ve gotten to where you are by saying “yes” to most things and being “voluntold” to do countless others.

If you want to improve your relationship this year, you’re going to have to disappoint a lot of people. Here’s a few examples of what I said “no” to in 2016 in order to focus on my family and my photography SEO business:

• A leadership position at my church
• An assistant principal position at my school
• Coaching other entrepreneurs
• Training jiu jitsu regularly
• Going out with friends
• “Connecting” or “catching up” over coffee
• Hosting local meetups for teachers, entrepreneurs, and podcasters.
• Being on other people’s podcasts
• Writing for magazines
• Reading Facebook (I blocked my entire news feed – you’re welcome!)

Lots of people were bummed for various reasons. Even today, people don’t get why I don’t read their Facebook updates.

But it’s worth it. I promise.

Photo Credit: Shane Cleminson Family Photography

The post Husbands, THIS Must Be Your “One Word” for 2017 appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Many of you know I left my career as a corporate lawyer earlier this year to become a full-time ghostwriter and content coach. Although the point of that transition was to lean into my family life, little did I know how much that process would impact me from a relational perspective….

I started the transition in late 2015 after someone approached me with a manuscript by an accomplished speaker, trainer, and coach, who wanted a professional set of fingers to help him finish it in a way that made sure he served his readers well. She thought I'd be a good fit and a part of his core audience and suggested I accept this as my first big project. So I did.

The book was by Brett Campbell, who had created a 4-part framework for designing business and personal lives that he'd been using with clients and audiences through speaking engagements, live training events, and one-on-one coaching and consultants. His clients and audiences had been seeing great results.

But his challenge was to find a way to translate a message and system that was conveyed effectively on stage or the phone to something that worked well on paper, a completely different animal, and a skill I developed by writing millions of words in a professional and creative setting.

Over the course of working with Brett to ensure his book delivered on the promise to give actionable, effective steps and a new perspective to accomplishing goals far larger than you would imagine are possible, I started quietly applying his system to my personal and business life.

(If you know anything about me, you know that I'm constantly asking myself how I can apply business lessons to my marriage to consistently improve my relationship. Working on this book was no different.)

In the months working with Brett, I became inspired by his 4-part book and personal improvement framework to be even more deliberate with my business and personal life.

Because of that, I asked Brett to come on the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast to share his framework with us and talk with me about using it to improve relationships. Although Brett designed the system for more broad application to your life overall, many of you know that I'm a big proponent of asking how great systems, lessons, or content can apply specifically to improving relationships.

You can listen to the interview right here:

If you prefer, you can also listen (and subscribe) on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, Facebook, and more, where you'll see dozens of other episodes and be able to get new ones sent right to your phone!

I'm excited that Brett agreed because our conversation was so much fun and useful for two reasons.

First, it's a great conversation about the substance of his framework and the steps you can take to improve many areas of your life. That alone is awesome.

Second, it's a great peek into how I approach great content to apply it to improving marriages. You can hear me do out loud what I normally do in my head, taking the content and applying it to relationships. You can even hear Brett react to some of that and further that discussion.

Definitely check it out, and if you want to check out Brett's book, he's doing a presale now on his website right here where he's giving away $347 in bonuses if you preorder the book. If you prefer, you can even get the book on Amazon right here. Brett's special preorder page has additional purchase options. Once you buy, send your email to Send or forward your receipt to: bonus@brettcampbell.net and if you buy it on time he'll email you the bonuses. Pretty awesome. I have already been through two of the bonuses and they're awesome.

Remember, one of the most effective ways to consistently improve your marriage is to be consistently searching for new lessons and perspectives on personal improvement and asking yourself how this can apply to the most important areas of your life. If you want to get started doing that, this episode is a great example of how to do that with an even better example of a substantive 4-part framework to help you do it!

When you have a listen, I'd love to hear what resonated with you about the framework or the process we demonstrate about applying content like this to relationships! Be sure to come back and let  me know what jumped out to you in the comments!

The post 4 Steps to Relationship Design appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

I did something different yesterday morning that reminded me of the importance of the pace with which we live our lives.

If you want to listen to the story, click the play button at the end of this post where it says “Listen Here.”

If you prefer to read, here's what happened:

My six-year-old son, Pavlos, woke up super early (6am, compared to 7:15 or so).

He was (as he usually is) full of energy.

The house was quiet. My wife and 4-year-old daughter were asleep.

I was up reading.

We normally tell Pavlos when he wakes up to look at the clock and if it is before 7am he can get up, brush his teeth, and get changed, but he then has to get back into bed until at least 7.

He's pretty good with that routine.

At about 6am yesterday, I heard the thud of him jumping out of his bed followed by the pitter patter of his tiny little footsteps going from his bedroom to our bedroom.

For some reason, however, I decided to interrupt his routine yesterday.

“Pavlos,” I yelled.

The footsteps stopped, and then started again, growing louder and louder as he bolted down the stairs.

He turned the corner and, as Zig Ziglar would say, smiled so wide he could eat a banana sideways.

I smiled, too, said good morning, and gave him a big hug and kiss.

He knew I wasn't sending him back to bed, so he asked me if I could help him find his bag of popsicle sticks and some post-it notes because he and his friends had planted jellybeans at school and the kindergarteners kept digging them up.

He wanted to make “flags” to put around the jellybeans so the kindergarteners would know there were plants there that the first graders were wanting to grow into lollipops.

We made flags.

It was such a fun time, with him writing “plants here” nice and neatly on the post-its, me making some, too, and then me reinforcing the post-it notes on the sticks with scotch tape.

When we were done, he gathered his “flags,” put them in a ziplock bag, and stuck the ziplock bag in his backpack.

He was so excited.

I then asked him if he wanted to take a walk with me.

We had never taken a walk before school, and we hadn't taken a walk at all since well before winter.

We both put on the closest gear available, him wearing bright red rain boots, the first coat he could find, and a baseball cap, and me wearing black pajama pants, a white t-shirt, a wool hat, and my winter coat.

We took a 10-15 minute walk to the end of the cul-de-sac and back.

I led him in conversation a bit, but mostly let his mind wander and asked him questions about things that are important to him.

When we got home, he grabbed the post-it notes, again, and ran to the corner of the room.

I got ready for work.

He told me when I get to work to look in my backpack and “dig deep.”

I did.

At the bottom of my backpack was the crumpled post-it note you see right here.

I called my wife to let her know about the note because I knew she would find it cute.

She told the kids that I was on the phone and to say hi.

Pavlos yelled in the background:

“Hi Dad! I had a great time with you this morning!”

The sincerity and joy in his voice were obvious.

I melted.

Then I paused.

Then I realized that I sometimes let my mind speed through the day, racing through the minutes and hours like an athlete training to win the next race. I spend the whole day focused on what I need to do next to accomplish a goal I have set for my personal or professional life.

I stick to my routine, wanting to finish my reading goal, have a certain amount of quiet time, or otherwise just continue according to my “plan.”

I spend the whole day focused on what I need to do next to accomplish some personal or business goal months or years out.

Other times, I slow down and realize that I'm already winning, right now, in ways that are way more important than whatever comes next.

How can you slow down today?

What can you interrupt?

What can you say yes to?

How are you already winning in ways that are more important than whatever comes next?

Listen Here:

The post Are you moving too fast to be happy? appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

My husband and I met on January 26^th, 1990 at the Atusgi Naval Base, Atsugi Japan. I was working as a photographer in Tokyo and he was working as a Naval officer stationed on the Midway. Five days after we met I drew him a picture of what I wanted my engagement ring to look like. Four days later he shipped out. Twenty-seven days after we met he proposed to me on the phone from a port stop.

We were married on September, 22^nd, 1990 in Wayzata, Minnesota. Twenty-five years, four months and nine days later we are still married.

Fifteen Tips To Stay Married for Twenty-five Years, Four Months and Nine days.

1. Buy Expensive Tissue. When your spouse is sick in bed with a bad cough and a runny nose and they only have septic safe toilet paper to blow their nose, offer to go the store even if it is ten o’clock at night. Buy the softest tissue they have.

2. Close the bathroom door when you are pooping or peeing. And don’t walk in on your spouse when they are pooping or peeing. Keep the romance alive and keep your butt wiping private.

3. Put down your phone when you are on a date. You really can wait to find out the score for the basketball game you are missing. My husband still needs to work on this one.

4. Remember a glass on the counter by the dishwasher is just a glass on the counter by the dishwasher. I have to work on this one. Sometimes the glass on the counter feels like a personal insult.

5. Don’t talk badly about your spouse in public. Ever. Not even once. If it is a story about when they locked they keys in the car three times last week, ask if you can tell the story first.

6. Have sex frequently. When I told my husband what I was writing for number six, I said, “I could use improvement on this one. “ He said, “Yes, you could.”

7. Have sex only with your spouse. That goes for kissing too. Borrow your neighbour's lawnmower, or their carousel horse, but not their spouse.

8. Always tell the truth. If you just bought a carousel horse at an auction for six-hundred dollars, tell him the truth. And if you are the spouse that had to find a truck to pick up the carousel horse, be nice. You never know when you might buy a six-hundred dollar carousel horse and need grace.

9. Pray together. Prayer kept us together. Even after I threw a pot.

10. Keep your spouse's secrets. Don’t tell your friends that your husband picks their nose. You want to feel safe to share your feelings with your spouse. Be trust worthy.

11. Be nice. See rule number eight about the carousel horse.

12. Listen. And when you are listening, pay attention to the other person, don’t just be waiting to tell your own story. Please, please, give your spouse a chance to explain why they bought the carousel horse.

13. Feel free to fart in front of each other. I know that might seem to go against rule number 2, the pooping rule, but holding flatulence in all day, is not easy. If this rule bothers you, then step outside or fart in the bathroom. If a fart sneaks out before they can run outside, give your spouse grace. We all have gas.

14. Don’t talk about your spouse’s feeling to other people. Three-way communication is ineffective. If someone wants to know what your spouse thinks, encourage them to ask your spouse.

15. Encourage your spouse to keep dreaming and following their passions. Life is not stagnant. We are always learning and growing. The person you married is changing, they will not be the exactly same person you married twenty-five years ago. Grow with them.

Your spouse is your friend, your lover and your biggest fan. Encourage your spouse to keep dreaming and following their passions.

Two years ago I started taking classes at the local community college. I have taken classes in Computer Graphics, Typography, and Page Layout and Design.

Last fall I made an adult coloring book, “Color The Cats – Forty Real Cats From Around The World and Their Stories,” in my Page Lay-Out and Design class.

The book was independently published on Amazon on December, 16th, 2015. 10% of all proceeds from the book go Best Friends Animal Society.

xo
Pamela

p.s. I bought the carousel horse after we had been married for about seven months. If I hadn’t been outbid on the wooden chicken I would never have bid on the horse.

The post 15 Tips to Stay Married For 25 years, 4 Months and 9 Days appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Does it take days for you to air out the room after a bitter war of words?

If so, you’re not alone. For years I thought the ideal marriage had zero conflict.

No disagreements.No arguments. Ever.

So when my wife and I argued it made me feel like a big fat failure.

And feeling like a big fat failure made me say some pretty dumb things and, ultimately, hurt some feelings.

After the emotions died down I'd replay the argument in my head and end up with hurt feelings myself.

We both felt disconnected.

After spending the last few years spending as much time as possible with couples who had successful marriages, I understand that cycle much better, as well as how laughable my marriage mindset was at the time.

I used to feel terrible (pun intended) because my marriage had conflict.

Over the last few years, however, I've observed four things by hanging out with those successful couples.

1. A marriage without any conflict often means somebody has lost heart, or hope, or is suffering in silence.

Even the most loving couples have conflict. The difference is that their conflict is resolved well. They don't let it escalate to hurt feelings.

2. Couples who are growing together learn how to handle and manage conflict with more maturity and empathy.

One of the keys to a strong marriage is how they handle that conflict. Slowing down and reminding yourself to act maturely and with empathy can go a long way with keeping the right mindset until the conflict is resolved.

3. Arguing with your spouse the right way can actually be unifying and provide another opportunity to grow together.

Can arguments actually be a good thing? Because they are inevitable, yes, they definitely can. Arguing the right way is calm, mature, empathetic, and healthy. Resolving conflict together is a big deal and something that can bring you together. Once healthy conflict resolution becomes the norm, there's no more sneaking around, avoiding issues, or dreading walking through that front door. Knowing that any conflicts are going to be handled well, and respectfully, brings your marriage to a whole new level.

4. Conflict can help you love your spouse even more.

Over time, handling conflict will have a snowball effect and give you even more to love about your spouse. You will not only value the respect they give to your viewpoints and the grace with which they handle the differences of opinions, you will begin to enjoy them and see how their uniqueness adds to your uniqueness to make both of you better. You will love that they are different than you, more and more, once those differences stop leading to arguments and hurt feelings.

Remember, if you were both the same, one of you wouldn’t be necessary!

I could go on and on about what I've learned from hanging out with happily-married couples who have been married decades longer than me, but the lessons I learned about conflict are some of my favorites.

What's the last thing you learned from another couple to help strengthen your marriage?

The post 4 things I learned about conflict from successful couples that revolutionized my marriage appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

If you look up the definition of “argument”, it says this:

ar·gu·ment

ˈärɡyəmənt/

noun

an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one.
a reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.

Well, that does it. I sure don't want to argue in my household – what that states is there is clearly a win-lose situation.

An argument is closed; a discussion is not.

When you discuss, you exchange views and opinions while flowing back and forth in conversation. You allow for insights and growth, and it is a two-way street.

A discussion is not a monologue.

An argument, however, might as well be, because in an argument, you are simply arguing your case, not necessarily hearing anything else (or the wrong side, since we all know when we argue, we are the correct one…or is that just me?)

In my work with helping families connect with one another in deeper ways, I focus a lot on understanding personality styles and how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.

Understanding how we are all uniquely wired is a critical component in figuring out how to communicate in a way that the other person can resonate with.

For example, although I am happy to just get to the end result and “fix it,” my husband wants to talk it out a bit. His healing and understanding is more due to the process of me listening and investing in him enough to hear him out vs. just jumping to the magic pill solution.

So, how do we approach discussions?

1. Remember what makes them tick. I love the DISC Personality profiles and share about the gifts and fears of each style. When we play on a fear a person has, they immediately go on the defensive. Any strength, when overused, can become a weakness. And when you do or say something that triggers a fear, like a loss of security, criticism, or they feel like they are taken advantage of, then you will see their weaknesses rear their ugly heads in a way that definitely creates a losing battle. We all have ways in which we are motivated – positively and negatively. The more you openly discuss this with your spouse, and learn what shuts them down or gets them riled up, the more you are equipped to communicate in a way that heals instead of hurts.
2. When you feel so mad, that you want to ROAR… My sweet daughter Ellie just did a video on how to deal with being mad, and the song is super catchy and an easy practice for all of us – major kudos to Daniel Tiger for teaching my girls some excellent tools for dealing with daily life issues. Bottom line, if you are angry enough to say something you will regret, take a step back and a deep breath in. Don't run away from a fight – simply communicate that you need a breather to think clearly, and commit to coming back to a discussion instead. Our feelings are powerful and fully valid. Yet when we want to communicate our feelings to others, we need to allow for a balance between heart and head and use some wisdom with how to communicate them in a way that doesn't attack.
3. Take center stage, and own it. After you take that breather, allow for a moment to speak your piece, and let your spouse do the same. Don't monologue it out, and don't attack. Explain what you feel – not what they did. Explain your own emotions without playing the blame game. And then, shut up and let them do the same without defending anything. Remember that you have no power over someone's feelings. Regardless of what emotions are brought up, you can share your feelings, and then make a conscious decision on whether you are going to allow those feelings to foster negativity or growth in your life. Feel it, voice it, and let it go. Choose to grow.
4. Touch. When you feel emotionally distant, your body language will reflect it. When you make the physical effort to put down that wall, it's amazing how much it works on your heart as well. Don't stay on the defensive, but meet in the middle. Hold hands. While you work through the feelings going on within, make an effort to physically feel your spouse as well. Hold hands, play footsie, start and end with a hug (or something more….nothing like some make-up sex to really seal the connection!)

Disagreements should be a part of a marriage – it shows that you have two people with independent minds in the relationship, and growth comes from being able to learn something other than what we think in our own heads anyway!

On the wall in our kitchen I have scrawled this quote from the Dalai Lama:

Feel free to disagree.

But please, don't let it become an argument.

What tools to you use to keep heated conversations from erupting into a forest fire?

Ashley Logsdon, a/k/a MamaRose is passionate about relationships and the amazing personalities that connect and inspire.

An insanely optimistic dreamer and implementer, Ashley is gung-ho to take life by the horns and learn from it…and coach others along the way!

Ashley works with families to challenge, inspire, and encourage a home life that is one they truly get excited about and can't wait to not only get home to, but take on the world with.

Life is truly a grand adventure and Ashley wants to push you to move forward with the synergy of a family that is bonded together.

Utilizing personality profiles and living life beyond the box is Ashley's foundation to showcase how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.

You can find out more about Ashley or connect with her on her main site, www.MamaSaysNamaste.com.

The post 4 Tools for Keeping Discussions from Becoming Arguments appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Think back to your last argument with your spouse.

Almost without exception couples who have been married more than ten minutes will have at least one story where a discussion turned into an argument.

They said something they didn't mean.

They focused more on being right than achieving or solving something together.

Or they don't even remember what they were arguing about, but just remember arguing about something.

For some couples, we're talking looking back a matter of hours. Others days, weeks, or months.

But as strange as it seems to terrible husbands like me, some couples have gone years or even decades without arguing.

Get this. They have “conversations” instead.

And not “air quotes” conversations. Actual, productive, calm, respectful conversations to resolve differences in opinions, goals, or plans, for the good of the marriage.

Sure, it's normal to argue. But that doesn't mean it should be accepted as part of “real life.”

Which is why eliminating arguments from my marriage, something we haven't been completely successful at doing yet, is my next big focus on becoming a better husband and creating a marriage worth modeling.

The more I study, it seems as if one secret to having a marriage free from arguments is to have a marriage full of love, respect, and perspective.

Work those three concepts into your mind, body language, and words and you will be well on your way to reducing or eliminating arguments from your marriage.

You will treat “issues” differently. It will become less personal. Less emotional. More conversational.

Don't take it from me, though. You can hear it straight from a great friend of the blog, Fawn Weaver, of the Happy Wives Club, (and the first guest on the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast), who recently shared her story of achieving an argument-free marriage in a Ted Talk.

She also has a brand-new book coming out called The Argument-Free Marriage: 28 Days to Creating the Marriage You've Always Wanted with the Spouse You Already Have, which I encourage you to check out, particularly because of the whole “spouse you already have” angle… because without that things could get pretty awkward over the next 28 days….so….

How does Fawn Weaver – the happy wife from The Happy Wives Club – keep arguments out of her marriage?

As you will see, she doesn't give up her identity. She doesn't give up her opinions. She doesn't give up her hopes or dreams.

Her secret is a heavy dose of perspective. Here's her talk. I'll let her explain. Let me know what you think in the comments.

So what do you think?

Is it possible to have a marriage free from arguments?

Have you been able to reduce or eliminate arguments from your marriage?

What has worked best for you?

And once again, be sure to check out Fawn's book and make the next 28 days the catalyst for an incredible marriage!

The post Is an argument-free marriage possible? appeared first on Confessions of a Terrible Husband.