Today, Joanne Miller hits on a topic near and dear to my heart. I am by my nature a problem solver. That was only exacerbated when I chose a career as a lawyer. So after a lifetime of being a problem solver, I focused an entire undergraduate and graduate education learning how to think and act in a way to solve problems. To say that it's my go-to reaction is an understatement.

So when my wife just needs me to listen and give her a hug – to let her just vent about something – it's tough. It has taken years for me to realize that “the issue” is actually not always “the issue.”  “The issue” that I can “solve” is just the latest manifestation of a symptom or trigger for an emotional reaction where she feels that support or understanding might be lacking.

I'm so excited for the men and women reading this post today and hope you share it with people who might need to hear this, like the spouses who might be more emotional, or  the spouses who are Mr. or Ms. Fix-it by nature.  We really can help control situations Joanne describes. But wow is it tough!

A few years ago, while in the throes of some serious introspection I latched onto a word I felt important to me on many levels.  Validation.  Definition: to prove to be valid or sound.  It only took me six decades to discover I had a problem in this area.  Not in administering it but in receiving it.  Could have been worse.  I might never have learned how important this is in a relationship. Discovering this has been a big boost to my self-confidence as a woman, wife, mother and friend.

Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated.
Jill Bolte Taylor, author, brain scientist

Here’s how lack of validation plays out.  Are you a husband who, when your spouse is edgy, weepy, angry, or anxious has said (unwittingly), “Don’t cry.” or “You must be crazy!” or “Are you PMS-ing?”  In other words, are you one who doesn’t like to be confronted with feelings and emotions?  Just sweep them under the carpet, ignore them and hope they go away…..quickly!  Well let me tell you that eventually this avoidance will come to bite you in the behind.  Because, like it our not, emotions and feelings are part and parcel of being human.  And it is especially so with women. 

Dan: “I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.  I might either set you off crying or in an angry snit. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around you.” (Now, I know you can relate to this.)

Joanne: (angry and ready for confrontation) “Get used to it!  I’m a girl.  G-I-R-L!  Girls are emotional! Girls have feelings.  I have learned to stuff them all my life and I am tired of it.  Big girls DO cry! They DO get angry! They get sad and depressed.  They need to be able to express those emotions.  If not, they  bring on resentment and even anger.  One day they explode in a volcanic eruption just from a tiny altercation!” 

Dan: “So what do you want me to do? What do you need from me?” (Ah-HAH!  The magic sentence……What do you need from me?)

Joanne:  “This may come as a surprise to you (Ok, that was a bit of sarcasm thrown in for good measure) I don’t always know. (now I’m being vulnerable) But whether I know or don’t, it would be wonderful if you could just validate that I have feelings.  Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘How can I help’ or just simply holding me and comforting me is all it takes to make me feel like you are by my side and not challenging me or putting me on the defensive.  Most of the time, that’s all it takes.  Just allowing me to have feelings and not making me feel silly, stupid, crazy or any other label. I sometimes don’t even understand myself.  I need to know you sympathize with my confusion and are there for me when (if) I am ready to talk.”

That conversation really did happen. And I can’t tell you how good it felt to finally be vulnerable enough to express that I don’t always immediately know why I feel emotional but I need to know Dan is there for me. I sometimes just need to be comforted….  We went on to talk more about this and we discussed how difficult it can be just to say a simple, “I’m sorry.” (meaningfully!)

Here is where the confusion lies.  The natural tendency for a man is to love his wife well and to  provide a solution when she is hurting or upset.  Just holding her feels inadequate.  Being the results-oriented man Dan is, he wants to fix me.  Wants me to get over it and move on. I understand that and I know he means well.  It is a tightrope of what to do and what not to do, how to react and how to not react.  (I can hear eyeball rolling here!) But here is the crux of the confusion.  Learn to validate the emotion. Finding a solution or fixing it may come later but first just validate the feelings.  It’s ok to cry, to be angry, to grieve, to be anxious.  Feelings are a part of who we are….male or female. 

My friend, Irene and I talked about this recently.  She and I went through the same book and the same deep introspection at the same time.  She says now her husband will often ask her, “What do you need from me?” after his many failed attempts to fix her when all she needed was to have him hold her and tell her he is there for her if she needs him.  That simple response is sometimes all that is necessary to empower a girl to move forward. Validate the emotion.  It’s as simple as that. 

It’s alright to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It’s alright to cry
It might make you feel better
Raindrops from your eyes
Washing all the mad out of you
Raindrops from your eyes
It’s gonna make you feel better
It’s alright to feel things
Though the feelings may be strange
Feelings are such real things
And they change and change and change.

Bell Records, excerpt from Free To Be…You and Me album 1972
Music and lyrics by Carol Hall
Performed by Rosey Grier

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).  She has authored four children’s books and has a new book for grown ups co-authored with artist Dorsey McHugh called Be Your Finest Art. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!

I'm super excited to welcome Joanne Miller back to the blog today. Today's post is a great reminder of what matters over the long term of a relationship and an incredible opportunity to see the long-term effect of doing seemingly “small” thing right and the value of being present, observant, and grateful for all the things your spouse is and does.

Somewhere along the way we have lost our sense of propriety.  We have forgotten the importance of thank you, I’m sorry and excuse me. After a while we get so used to not being polite that it snowballs into a total disregard for common courtesy.

Over 40 years ago my sweetheart and I vowed to love and to cherish; not to demand or dominate but to treat each other as we want to be treated.  Pretty simple really.  Unfortunately, these principles are often violated in the home where we become lax and lazy.  I have actually heard people say they don’t need to be polite at home, they just want the freedom to be themselves and not put on any pretenses.  Seriously?  If I understand this correctly, this is the message:  “I can be an inconsiderate jerk at home, so get used to it!”  And the irony is that those very same people often demand their children say please and thank you and treat others, NOT as they see in their own home but as they are TOLD to do or risk dire consequences. 

In our home, please, thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry are an ongoing part of our everyday conversations.  Dan has never said to me, “Get me a drink while you are in there!” Wouldn’t happen.  In fact, not only would he be more polite about it by saying the requisite “please”, we would not even have this conversation because he would get up and go to the kitchen to get his own drink and ask me as he was on his way if I would like something too.  That’s just the way it works in our home.  Always has.  No exceptions.  Life isn’t just about what’s in it for me.  In our home we work together to be kind, considerate and behave as mannerly as we would in public. 

We used to have a refrigerator magnet that boldly stated: PRACTICE BEING KIND INSTEAD OF RIGHT! [tweet this]

Here are some ways you can be kind and mannerly that will add significant deposits into your relational bank account:

• When you and your spouse go out to eat or to a movie, thank the one who suggested or paid for that experience when you arrive back home.  Dan drives and pays.  Before we were married we would have considered that “a date”.  Over four decades later I still consider it a date. If he is  the chauffeur and paying the tab, I should be considerate enough to thank him.  By thanking him, he knows I don’t just take him for granted and I truly appreciate his efforts.
• When I take the time to fix a meal, Dan has always thanked me for it. Even though he doesn’t know a spatula from a meat cleaver and doesn’t cook,  he knows that planning and preparing a meal is tedious and time consuming.  He tells me he appreciates my efforts.  A simple little thank you makes me happy to do that chore over and over again. He helps clean up and put things away and that is a great thank you to me. 
• Simple courtesies that every couple should know don’t stop after the marriage vows are read.  Dan still opens my car door.  He still opens the door for me to go in first.  He still carries the heaviest load.  He still offers me the seat if there is only one.  I met him in the 1960’s.  Women’s Lib was in it’s heyday!  Unfortunately some women felt it was belittling to them to have a man be a gentleman and continue these “old fashioned” behaviors.  Get real.  I love being treated like a lady and I expect my man to act like a gentleman.  It doesn’t mean I am less of a person.  It means I have a happy relationship!

Dan spoils me, I know.  Once he was following me in a separate car and I needed to stop for gas.  I pulled into the service station and stopped at the pump and just sat there.  My passenger seemed surprised I didn’t get out.  I had seen Dan follow me, get out of his car and go directly to the pump to put in my gas.  He knows I hate to pump gas and I especially hate to pay for it.  So he just does it for me.  It’s his way of showing he cares just as it is for me to wash and fold his laundry each week. 

But I spoil him too.  I have, for all these years fixed Dan a cup of tea in the morning and anytime he wants one.  I know just how he likes his tea and he loves that I make it for him.  I like to think that with a spoonful of sugar I add a dollop of love.  I am quite sure he could make his own tea. This is just a ritual of love that makes our marriage hum.

My long-time sweetheart and I have one main goal in our relationship……to serve one another with respect, integrity and lots of love. 

What can you do today that would astound your spouse with your love and mannerly respect?

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).  She has authored four children's books and has a new book for grown ups co-authored with artist Dorsey McHugh called Be Your Finest Art. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!

Monday I announced that I was opening up Confessions of a Terrible Husband to additional writers who are committed to providing even more great content to help you and me improve our marriages.

Today is the second post by one of our new contributors and I could not be more excited.

Please join me in welcoming one of my marriage mentors, Joanne Miller, who has been married to one of my other marriage mentors, Dan Miller, for over 40 years!  Dan and Joanne showed me what it looks like to have a great marriage.

Observing them relate with each other at an event they hosted in May 2013 transformed me and my marriage, and kicked off this crazy little thing called Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Joanne has agreed to provide multiple posts that I know will provide you and me with an incredible perspective on love and marriage.

Be sure to connect with her and give her a warm welcome to Confessions of a Terrible Husband!

– Nick

I am often asked how I kept my own sense of self while being married to an entrepreneur with a strong personality. The question always evokes a lot of angst in me because it is not easy to answer.

As the oldest daughter of a single mother of three girls, I often filled the role of Mom to my younger sisters. I was an innate nurturer. My family jokes that I can nurture a rock.

Early in our marriage (back in 1968) Dan made it clear he didn’t expect me to be a clone of him or to put him on a pedestal from which he would eventually topple. He has always encouraged me to be ME. Admittedly, he is the stronger personality but his desire has never been to dominate or control.

Because I never really had a clear sense of who I was but was easily dominated by a stronger personality, maintaining a sense of my own authenticity was not something I thought about much. Back in those days (decades ago) I just wanted to create a home full of peace and love. The two things I craved most and often didn’t feel growing up.

I sought out mentors from our church whose home life I admired. I watched and listened and quickly adapted the tools to having an environment Dan and our children were happy to come home to. When we started having children, I continued to learn from others around me and from books and tapes how to create a home where everyone had peace and felt love. It has been my life’s mission.

Did I get lost along the way? You tell me. I had the gift of nurturing from the time I was old enough to have my first baby doll to the when my youngest sister was born and began to look at me as her mother (she still does). I used my gift throughout the years of parenting and being a staunch supporter of my husband through all the roller coaster rides typical of an entrepreneurial life style.

But, here is the irony. When I turned 50 I had a major mid-life crisis. Trite I know. But it happened nonetheless. I feared facing empty-nest as my last child was headed off to college. I was overwhelmed with depression and physical symptoms that led to a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, an incurable disease.

I looked at myself in the mirror and at age 50 no longer looked like the young girl who modeled early in our marriage. It was a very difficult time for me. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting with Dan, weeping and asking him, “What do I do now? My children no longer need me. I have been downsized! Or fired!” (I spoke in terms I knew he would understand!) Have you ever had head knowledge you couldn’t get your heart to accept?

Dan patiently pointed out to me that I simply needed to take my gifts and shift them to a different focus. I exclaimed that I didn’t even know what my gifts were. I had just been a mom and wife! And I had done a darn good job of it. I could help others see their gifts and value but I had trouble seeing my own. Dan helped me recognize my worth as a nurturer and pointed out that he had often witnessed how friends and clients gained new hope and belief in themselves through my words and love and had made significant changes in their lives.

I began to see I had a message of love and hope that was valued by others. I could be used as a vessel to pour into their lives. It was the beginning of really understanding my gifts and that I had been using them all along. This new season in my life opened up amazing opportunities for growth and exploration and helped me get through a difficult time. So you tell me. Did I lose myself along the way or did I just gradually discover who was my authentic self?