In a few days it will be a New Year.

Much like the season of Spring, the New Year is a time of new beginnings.  Many people set goals, rules and boundaries this time of year.  One of the most important areas to strive for success is in family dynamics.

Whether you have children or not, setting some ground rules for what you want to achieve in relational harmony is a major key to creating a haven of peace in your home.

One way we helped prevent arguments and fighting was to draw up a Family Mission Statement.  Many years ago I found a magazine article that included a mission statement I thought embraced our philosophy. 

We had a family meeting to talk about it and each of us agreed it was what we believed in and wanted for our home. 

Because all family members agreed on this philosophy, when someone did something that violated that mission statement, whether it was one of the parents or a child, instead of being accusatory or angry, all we needed to ask was, “Was what you did (or said) in line with our family mission statement?”

It took everyone out of the hot seat in being the judge and jury, encouraging each of us to be responsible for our actions and behavior.

So how do you come up with a family mission statement?

I suggest you call everyone together for a family meeting. 

We used to have them at least once a month.  It was a time to talk about grievances, frustrations, disappointments, accomplishments, desires, family vacations, schedules, rules, expectations, etc. 

Sometimes these meetings were serious and covered some important issues and sometimes they were just crazy fun.  But it was definitely a time to communicate freely without fear of condemnation or judgement. 

It was our SAFE PLACE  

Ask each child to submit his/her ideas for consideration in adopting a mission statement.  It doesn’t matter how long or involved it is. The important issue here is that you all agree on it wholeheartedly so if it is violated (and it will be), the parent or child will know he/she is wrong and has no one to blame but themselves. 

Let me give you another hint on how to make this work well in your home.  Don’t laugh. 

Write or print out the Statement and tape it next to the toilet in every bathroom of the house. 

Seriously.  It really works.

I meticulously hand-wrote in a crude form of calligraphy our Statement and took it to a printer to have laminated, then thumb-tacked it beside the toilet paper roll in the main bathroom of our house. 

Kids memorize easily and if something is where they see it many times during the day for days on end….they will memorize it.  Stick it on mirrors, the refrigerator….whatever works….but know that it is important it becomes ingrained in their minds so when someone abuses the rules they know immediately they are guilty. 

And don’t be at all surprised if your five-year-old brings it to your attention if you have let something slip that violates what she has memorized!

Here is the Miller Family Mission Statement that greatly influenced the interaction in our home  

Perhaps it will help you formulate your own code of conduct and make this New Year a more peaceful setting in the most important environment of all…..your home. 

A Safe Place

In a safe place, people are kind.

Sarcasm, fighting, back-biting and name-calling are exceptions.

Kindness, consideration and forgiveness are the way of life.

In a safe place there is laughter.

Not just the canned laughter of television,

but real laughter that comes from sharing meaningful work and play.

In a safe place there are rules.

The rules are few and fair

and are made by the people who live and work there,

including the children.

In a safe place people listen to one another.

They care about one another and show that they do.

Please God, make this a safe place.

Excerpt from Turnabout Children by Mary MacCracken

©Depositphotos.com/mischenkod

This doesn't happen often, but these last two posts from Joanne were so awesome that I put off my post that was supposed to go live in between.  🙂

So instead of a post last wednesday I delayed it until next Monday so we could enjoy these two posts in a row!

Can you remember the moment you fell in love?

That pivotal moment when, suddenly, the world stood still and you imagined a full orchestra playing a crescendo of romantic music in the background and your heart did a flip-flop like you had just dropped from cresting a gigantic hill on a roller-coaster? That kind of love? Can you remember it?

A mutual friend introduced Dan to me on my very first day at the Ohio State University branch campus. I was a seventeen-year-old sheltered and very naive freshman and he was a Conservative Mennonite eighteen-year-old sophomore. I needed a ride to campus several days a week and he was quick to jump at the opportunity. We quickly became great friends. But I remember one day as clear as a bell. The day IT happened. He had picked me up in his little Renault Dauphine (look it up!) four-speed on the floor. We were talking animatedly, as always when he reached up to adjust the volume on the radio. Instead of bringing his hand back down to rest on the gear shift, he rested it on my knee. Now, come on, you know that feeling. Like an electrical spark happens and you suddenly realize this isn’t just a friendship any more. And that is exactly what happened. In less than a year we were married. That incident happened in 1967. A few years ago. But to this day, I love it when Dan puts his hand on my knee, or pulls me in a bear-hug or snuggles up to keep me warm.

Decades of marriage bring on differing manifestations of love. They may not include all the tingles and butterflies and crescendos of orchestral music, but I challenge you to never forget why you fell in love with the one you love. Because, chances are, the very reasons you did are often the very attributes that cause you to bristle and pull your hair out in frustration. Funny how that happens. As a very naive seventeen-year-old who never experienced having a father or brother, I cherished the strength and determination I saw in Dan. I still do. I loved his brain and his ability to be decisive and carry through. I still do. And sometimes those very things I most love about him are what drive me mad. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I, too, have a voice in what happens in our relationship because if I don’t I can quickly become consumed by his more overpowering personality.

Ever have this kind of conversation?

Dan: “Where would you like to go to eat?”
Joanne: “I don’t know. I ‘m open to whatever.”
Dan: “Ok then, let’s go to Gracias.”
Joanne: “No, I don’t want Mexican!”
Dan: “Well, how about sushi?”
Joanne: “No, I eat there every week with the girls and I’m getting tired of sushi!”
Dan: “Why don’t you tell me where you would like to go then?!”
Joanne: “I said I was open….just not those places.”

By now Dan is feeling like Charlie Brown when Lucy has once again retracted the football when he was running to kick it. And I’m wishing I could be more decisive and make the choice without this kind of scenario. But we are different and after all these decades we recognize those differences and they don’t bother us as much as they did when we were early into our relationship, trying to figure each other out.

Every now and then I think on why I married my dear husband. And I keep a couple of photographs on display in our home of when we were first married and had stars in our eyes and so much love in our hearts we were full to bursting. Our love hasn’t diminished. It has grown so much stronger through the years because we have learned to live with each other in the everyday. Not just the date nights when everything is perfect, the candles are burning and the orchestra is playing in our heads and we see nothing but the best in one another. We have been together through some very rough times and clung together in tears and in loss.

How has your love changed for your partner?

I challenge you to spend an evening together reminiscing about the first time you knew for certain THIS was the one. The only one. Perhaps you will hear music you had forgotten was there all the time.