Want a quick fix to improve your marriage this week?

Well I just so happened to stumble upon one factor that I can control and can make an instantaneous boost in my marriage during my continuing research for the book and into taking personal responsibility over improving my marriage.

The best part about this is that it's something that we can control and has been identified through studies as the single most influential factor among a group of four that can predict divorce with 94% certainly.

Not surprisingly, each of the four involves destructive communication techniques. More on the other three in future posts… But today it's all about the big one…

Ready?

Contempt.

Yep, contempt.  Acting, speaking, or reacting (don't forget reacting) in a contemptuous manner has been identified by Dr. John Gottman as the single most toxic behavior of the four most corrosive negative behavior patterns.

So what exactly is contempt and how does it invade a marriage?

Contempt rears its ugly head when one spouse makes statements or body language that appears to come from a relative position of superiority.

This article from Psychology Today references some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation:

Here's some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation. Eye-rolling suggests contempt. An upper lip raised on one side suggests contempt. So does a sarcastic tone of voice. Beware if you have these habits, and also if you have been on the receiving end of these negative communications. They are sure signs that someone is not listening or listening to deprecate you (or you to deprecate your partner), not to gain understanding.

Empathy and contempt are polar opposites. Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant (“I know best”) disregard, dismissal and denigration of others' concerns. Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

Sounds harsh, right?

I bet by now you're thinking that there's no contempt coming from your side of the relationship, right?

I thought so, too. And then I spent a few days extra conscious about this and found a couple eye rolls and a dash of sarcasm, particularly in reactions [insert recipe for disaster pun here 😉 ].

I didn't even realize that I was an offender. Now that I know, I'm not surprised that this is so toxic. Even unintentional, I can see how hurtful this could be.

It's even crazier, because I never intend to come across that way. And like a yawn, contempt is contagious. Eye rolls beget eye rolls. Sarcasm, sarcasm. How quickly a perfectly normal discussion escalates when one side introduces contempt. And how quickly an argument can be prevented if the other person doesn't let contempt take over the conversation by fighting contempt with more contempt or reacting to perfectly constructive suggestions with contempt as a defense mechanism.

Have you let contempt creep into your conversations, even unintentionally, with a roll of the eyes or sarcastic tone?

So “slow your roll.”  “Putchya” lip down.  And save your sarcasm.  Like me, you may unintentionally be sending a destructive message of superiority to the woman you vowed to love above everyone else.  And that won't go anywhere good.

It's no secret that I have been absent from the blog for a few weeks now.

That's the bad news. 

The rest of the story is good news.

See… last year I made a promise to myself, to my family, that I would fight for them. For us. [click to tweet]

I promised to stop the stupid things that I did, like my my laziness and messed up priorities. And I promised to fight against anything else that sought to invade the boundaries of a healthy marriage and family life.

Six weeks ago the fight required more troops. More time. And more focus.

Something needed to give.

There was no single event that required me to buck up and hustle.

But the culmination of the move home, settling into the new home, tending to the house, starting a new job, and all the transition challenges that face two- and four-year-old kids boiled over and I needed to step back for a bit.

These few weeks taught me a lot about myself and my family, our strengths and weaknesses.

It also taught me a lot about you.

Last year nobody would have noticed if I stepped back from the computer for a few weeks.

But this year you are here.

So many of you wrote to me and asked if I was OK. That was awesome.

Naturally, given the name of this blog, me not posting for a while might be cause for alarm.

So thank you, so much, for reaching out. It means a lot to me to know that you care.

And while I did step back from the blog for a few weeks, I did quite a bit of work behind the scenes to set things up for moving forward with the book and a few other related projects.

For example, I worked behind the scenes to prepare to launch the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast, which will be launched soon, where I continue my self-exploration behind a microphone.

And I will also use that forum to bring you thought leaders on relationships to help us all look inward and take personal responsibility over improving our marriages.

I will also be including a “we did it!” segment that features success stories of regular folks like you and me, who overcame adversity, the hard times, and everything you might imagine, endured, committed, and succeeded in their relationships. 

But still, why not work on the blog instead of behind the scenes new projects? 

Two main reasons.  

First, it is important to me that this is a two-way blog. I don't post just for the sake of posting. I post to provide value to you. I post to invite you into the mind of someone who screwed it up and is working tirelessly to improve. Someone who is breaking himself down to the tiniest little pieces and slowly building himself back up as a better husband. 

And, like relationships, that requires me being “present,” and not “just present.”

It requires me to engage, relate, respond, reflect. I couldn't commit to those things. So I worked behind the scenes on what I could commit to.

Second, a lot of people don't read blogs. A lot of people don't read books. Some people prefer to listen to their content.

Instead of blogs, they prefer audio or video podcasts.

Instead of reading books they prefer listening to audio books.

So I'm working to share this content through those platforms, too, so that I can continue to engage with awesome folks like you who might not find themselves here or reading the upcoming book. 

I also believe so strongly in my message that taking personal responsibility over what you can control in a marriage that I want to scream it from the top of a mountain! I’ve been so blessed by the value and support I've received here. And I have received so many wonderful messages and success stories from husbands and wives who have turned their fingers back at themselves that I want to be sure I can relate to folks on other forms of media.

This will always be my home base. And it will always have updated content, news, etc.

But bringing the content to the audio world has been a plan and desire of mine for a long while.

And since I could work behind the scenes on that when my family didn't “need” me to be present, it was a great opportunity to start setting that up. More on this later!  

But now I'm back. [go ahead… try not to sing that in the “I Will Survive” melody… I dare you…]

Thanks, again, for sticking around. 

So what did I miss?

How have YOU been these last few weeks?

How have YOU improved YOUR marriage?

What’s been challenging you?

Over the last year I’ve read several marriage books and blogs. I’ve learned about love languages, boundaries, happiness, unconditional love, and so much more.

I’ve even taken marriage lessons from football and business books.

I look everywhere for marriage lessons. Yet I was still surprised this weekend about where I found a one-question quiz to tell whether I was still a terrible husband: My daughter's smile.

On Saturday morning I had the pleasure of spending two hours alone with my daughter. She’s two-and-a-half, almost to the day. We ate breakfast, played, sang, hugged, danced, and just had a great time. We smiled so wide and laughed so hard that our cheeks were sore and stomachs were in pain.

As she smiled at me, I couldn’t help but wonder about the future — her future.

Who would she be? What would she do? Who would she marry?

The marriage question stuck with me for a minute or two.

I thought about meeting her husband for the first time, walking her down the aisle, and dancing with her at the wedding.

What would she look like? Would she still have the same face? Would I still see this same smile that day? Those same cheeks? The dimples?

What would he be like? What kind of man would I want for her?

That last question stuck with me for a little while. I starting listing characteristics of a man I would want for my daughter in my mind.

And then my heart dropped. I was describing the exact opposite of what I had been for so long, and sometimes still am in moments of laziness or lack of focus.

And there I had it.

The 1-question quiz that will tell you if you’re a terrible husband: [click to tweet]

Are you the type of person you would want your daughter to marry?

It’s a big question, for sure. But it’s an effective one.

Take some time. Explore some of the factors.

Would you want your daughter’s husband talking to her like you talk to your wife? Your tone? Your facial expressions? Your body language?

Would you want him to spend more (or less) time with her?

Would you want him to have your habits? Motivation? Attitude?

To spend money like you do? To work like you do?

Yes? Great. You're probably a pretty good husband.

No? Well you might just have a punch list of things to work on yourself.

What can you work on this week to get closer to the type of guy you would be happy for her to marry?

When you’re committed to improving your marriage, you’ll find life-changing lessons when and where you least expect them.

A few months ago, I got a package from a friend and mentor. In it was a very nice note and a copy of Michael Hyatt`s fabulous book Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World. The book was even signed by Michael. Very, very cool. Very thoughtful.

My friend sent it to me as a resource for growing my online presence so I can help influence others like me to stop pointing fingers and start taking personal responsibility for improving their marriages.

The book does that, for sure. It’s a great book on blogging, social media, and other ways to build a platform.

But a funny thing happened as I was reading this business book. I learned several important lessons about my marriage.

One of the most helpful marriage lessons comes from the Michael's discussion of product development, in which he urges entrepreneurs to create only “wow” products that exceed expectations:

How often have you rushed something to market with a sigh and a collective, ‘Well, I guess that will have to do. It’s not great, but it’s good enough’? Sadly, we don’t start with a lofty vision. I’m afraid we have become content with mediocrity; we aim low and execute even lower.

I immediately related to this from a business perspective. But something kept drawing my eyes back to that quote as I attempted to read on. My eyes kept moving, but my mind wasn’t keeping up with me. It was still thinking about that quote. I couldn’t figure out why. I don’t settle for “good enough” at work. And I won’t settle for “good enough” in my businesses either. I get it. So why couldn’t my brain move on?

And then it hit me. It's my marriage.

I’ve settled for mundane, routine, “good enough,” way too many times in my marriage. [click to tweet]

Valentine's Day was historically a card with a messy “Love, Nick” scribbled on the card. Not this year 🙂

“Goodnight” was often me falling asleep on the couch or blurting a quick “luvya” as I turned away from her to curl into a ball and listen to a podcast or think about the next day’s work until I fell asleep.

The day was over. We were all still alive. And we were still married. It’s not great. But it was good enough.

Those were my standards.

I aimed way too low.

I wouldn’t accept less than “wow” in business. So why would I accept less for my marriage? [click to tweet]

I shouldn't. I wouldn’t. So I won’t.

In a podcast episode discussing this concept, Michael discusses five questions you can ask to go from good enough to “wow.”

I've adapted them a little bit to apply to creating a “wow marriage” and encourage you to consider them in your mind or in the comments below. Get creative.

Start small: Try it with your next date night. Don't have a date night scheduled? Schedule one. And then plan it with these five questions in mind.

Question #1: What is the experience I want to create or transform into an amazing one?
Question #2: How will my wife feel as a result of this experience? (In other words, what is the specific outcome you want to create?)
Question #3: Typically, what specific expectations does the typical wife bring with her to this experience?
Question #4: What does failing to meet my wife's expectations for this experience look like?
Question #5: What does exceeding my wife's expectations for this experience look like?\

My marriage will no longer be just “good enough.”

How about yours?