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Why falling in love is impossible (and what you can do about it)

Why Falling in Love is Impossible (and what you can do about it)In To Love and Be Loved, Sam Keen challenges whether “love” is something we can “fall” into.

“Falling” is passive, often unintentional. It's something that just “happens.” Love, on the other hand, is developed over time.  Even if you start out with strong emotions – the feeling of “love at first sight” – true love grows over time.

Love is a “complex art” that combines many factors, skills, and talents that is learned only over an entire lifetime. Love is not something that simply comes to be. It is something that is actively created, intentionally built.

So while we can quickly and unintentionally become curious, attracted, to, or even preoccupied by someone at first sight, simply “falling” in love, then, is impossible.

According to Mr. Keen:

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Let that sink in for a minute.

That's personal accountability at its finest. It flips the concept of love from something that comes to me (a perfect person) to something inside of me (how I see my imperfect wife).*

If I want to develop deeper love I need to strip away all the drama and emotions of marrying my love to my definition of a perfect person and start building a closer bond with my wife based on truly accepting her as imperfect.

But isn't that “settling”?

No. That's not settling. That's loving her for who she is, rather than some mythical superwoman who has no faults.

That's real love.

But don't I want to encourage my wife to grow, try new things, or tap into something “more”?

Sure. But what does that have to do with love?

I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't continue to develop as a person. I'm just saying that my love shouldn't be tied to it. At all.

So have I tied my love to her being perfect?

When you're as imperfect as me, the last thing you do is expect others to be perfect… so, no, my “love” has not been tied to my wife becoming perfect. If anything I wondered more about why she loved me, rather than what more she could do or be….

But reading Mr. Keen's quote certainly got me thinking that a lot of our frustrations stem from the disconnect between expectations and reality.

Even as simple as expecting her to act or react to something in a certain way has made me incredibly frustrated when she reacted in a different way.

And that frustration certainly doesn't add any loving feelings…

Embracing her as an imperfect woman and being more sympathetic to that backdrop has really helped me connect with her during those frustrating times and in forming a stronger marriage, even if it wasn't one of our greatest struggles.

Am I asking you to lower your standards?

Nope. But if you believe that love is an event that you can “fall into,” I am asking you to consider whether that viewpoint is short-changing you and your (current or future) spouse.

Because true love cannot be found by looking for (or lamenting that you didn't find) the perfect person.

It is built upon appreciating the imperfect qualities that make your spouse who they are and embracing those imperfections.

So I am I'm asking you to be very intentional in disconnecting your love from qualities that your spouse doesn't have. From who she isn't.

And actively love her for exactly who she is.

*Yes, I called my wife imperfect. I did that very intentionally. She is imperfect. We all are. But that's OK. Not expecting her to be perfect is the whole point…

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Who Am I Really?

Who am I really?

Monday I announced that I was opening up Confessions of a Terrible Husband to additional writers who are committed to providing even more great content to help you and me improve our marriages.

Today is the second post by one of our new contributors and I could not be more excited.

Please join me in welcoming one of my marriage mentors, Joanne Miller, who has been married to one of my other marriage mentors, Dan Miller, for over 40 years!  Dan and Joanne showed me what it looks like to have a great marriage.

Observing them relate with each other at an event they hosted in May 2013 transformed me and my marriage, and kicked off this crazy little thing called Confessions of a Terrible Husband.

Joanne has agreed to provide multiple posts that I know will provide you and me with an incredible perspective on love and marriage.

Be sure to connect with her and give her a warm welcome to Confessions of a Terrible Husband!

– Nick

I am often asked how I kept my own sense of self while being married to an entrepreneur with a strong personality. The question always evokes a lot of angst in me because it is not easy to answer.

As the oldest daughter of a single mother of three girls, I often filled the role of Mom to my younger sisters. I was an innate nurturer. My family jokes that I can nurture a rock.

Early in our marriage (back in 1968) Dan made it clear he didn’t expect me to be a clone of him or to put him on a pedestal from which he would eventually topple. He has always encouraged me to be ME. Admittedly, he is the stronger personality but his desire has never been to dominate or control.

Because I never really had a clear sense of who I was but was easily dominated by a stronger personality, maintaining a sense of my own authenticity was not something I thought about much. Back in those days (decades ago) I just wanted to create a home full of peace and love. The two things I craved most and often didn’t feel growing up.

I sought out mentors from our church whose home life I admired. I watched and listened and quickly adapted the tools to having an environment Dan and our children were happy to come home to. When we started having children, I continued to learn from others around me and from books and tapes how to create a home where everyone had peace and felt love. It has been my life’s mission.

Did I get lost along the way? You tell me. I had the gift of nurturing from the time I was old enough to have my first baby doll to the when my youngest sister was born and began to look at me as her mother (she still does). I used my gift throughout the years of parenting and being a staunch supporter of my husband through all the roller coaster rides typical of an entrepreneurial life style.

But, here is the irony. When I turned 50 I had a major mid-life crisis. Trite I know. But it happened nonetheless. I feared facing empty-nest as my last child was headed off to college. I was overwhelmed with depression and physical symptoms that led to a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, an incurable disease.

I looked at myself in the mirror and at age 50 no longer looked like the young girl who modeled early in our marriage. It was a very difficult time for me. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting with Dan, weeping and asking him, “What do I do now? My children no longer need me. I have been downsized! Or fired!” (I spoke in terms I knew he would understand!) Have you ever had head knowledge you couldn’t get your heart to accept?

Dan patiently pointed out to me that I simply needed to take my gifts and shift them to a different focus. I exclaimed that I didn’t even know what my gifts were. I had just been a mom and wife! And I had done a darn good job of it. I could help others see their gifts and value but I had trouble seeing my own. Dan helped me recognize my worth as a nurturer and pointed out that he had often witnessed how friends and clients gained new hope and belief in themselves through my words and love and had made significant changes in their lives.

I began to see I had a message of love and hope that was valued by others. I could be used as a vessel to pour into their lives. It was the beginning of really understanding my gifts and that I had been using them all along. This new season in my life opened up amazing opportunities for growth and exploration and helped me get through a difficult time. So you tell me. Did I lose myself along the way or did I just gradually discover who was my authentic self?

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).  She has authored four children's books and has a new book for grown ups co-authored with artist Dorsey McHugh called Be Your Finest Art. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!
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Marriage Check-ups, Safe Accountability, and An Exciting Site Announcement

Check-UpsI strongly agree with Charles “Tremendous” Jones when he said that five years from today you'll be the same person you are today except  for the people you meet and the books you read.  Because of that I want to read more great marriage content and meet more inspiring people.  And I want to help you do that, too.

So I'm starting something this week on the blog with a little help from my friends. In addition to my once-per-week writing on Monday mornings, I have recruited several great contributors to post with me on the site. I will be adding their names to a special page where you can connect with them and easily find author-specific posts if you would like!  Some are established writers. Some, like me, are not.

Some have been married for decades. Some much shorter.

But they're all committed to the same cause. And sharing stories to help inspire, encourage, and equip you to improve your relationships as we improve ours openly no matter where we are on the “terrible” to “terrific” scale.

Today is the first post!  This one is by my friend Marcus Kusi!  I have another incredible treat for you on Wednesday and a third on Friday!  Be sure to check back then.  My next post will go live next Monday morning!

Be sure to connect with Marcus in the comments and through is site, which is linked at the end!

— Nick

Every relationship, parenting, marriage, or friendship, needs some form of accountability. In marriage, being accountable to the person that knows you best and still loves you can be one of the best things if you let it.

One thing about being married is that your spouse becomes accountable to you, and you also become accountable to him/her. It can either be great news or very intimidating to know this after you say “I Do.”

Whether it's over-spending, entertaining thoughts of another person, or just having someone help you on your journey of healthy living, having your spouse there to give you an extra push or rein you in when needed is a plus!

By being able to come to each other in a safe environment that is free of judgement is so important and beneficial for you, your spouse, and your marriage. It helps bring you closer together as you get to know each other on a deeper and more intimate level.

In a healthy relationship, this opens the doors of communication for growth as a person, and becoming unified.

One way to be accountable to each other is through a regular marriage checkup. Having regular conversations (marriage check ups) will help safe guard your marriage. It keeps you connected and aware of what is going on in your marriage.

If your spouse feels they might be getting a little too close to another person, or seeking attention from someone outside your marriage, a marriage check up is a great place to express that.

By doing this, we believe you can “catch things” ahead of time before they turn into bigger problems down the road.

Will accountability be easy?

Maybe, maybe not, but:

  • It's going to take honesty and trust. You have to be willing to be an open book with your spouse.
  • It's going to take an open mind. You have to be both willing to listen to what your spouse is saying, and not get defensive or judgmental yourself. Remember it's not personal.
  • It may be tough to hear, but it's for the betterment of your marriage.
  • It's going to take intentionality. You have to pay attention to yourself, and your marriage. If you sense something is off, unbalanced, or could use improvement then say something and do something about it.

Having accountability in marriage is a MUST for a healthy and happy marriage.

Here are some simple tips to help you, and your spouse become accountable to each other.

1. Identify areas of your life and marriage you both need accountability for.

2. Let each other know about these areas, and discuss them.

3. Ask your spouse to keep you accountable.

4. Let them review and assess the areas you need accountability for.

5. Make your home a safe environment for accountability.

6. Be quiet and listen when your spouse is talking.

7. Be honest with the constructive feedback you give, and receive each others feedback with enthusiasm. Feedbacks will allow you to access what you might be doing wrong.

Due to the availability of room for improvement in anything in life, my wife and I strive to always move forward, not backwards. We continue to learn, and grow in holding each other accountable in a loving, supportive, and understanding way.

Accountability with your spouse will help you prevent extramarital affairs, improve your communication, listening skills, stay on track with your marriage goals, and help you build a healthy and happy marriage.

Be accountable to each other in everything you do!

Question: Are you accountable to your husband or wife?

About Marcus:

Marcus blogs with his awesome wife at Our Peaceful Family. Together, they help newlyweds adjust to married life, while building a strong foundation for their marriage. They also help couples choose a theme for their family, and co-host The First Year Marriage Podcast. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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10 Ways You Are Making Your Marriage Tougher Than It Has To Be.

UPDATE: This post has turned into one of the most popular posts on Confessions of a Terrible Husband! Because of that I took a few minutes to talk about it a bit more on the Confessions of a Terrible Husband Podcast. You can listen to the episode by clicking the play button in this post or by visiting any of the listening options linked on the top of the page!
Harder (2)Today's “viral website life lesson that applies equally to marriage as anything else” comes to you from Tim Hoch over at Thought Catalog.

Tim is a fellow lawyer and mistake maker who provides 10 spot-on ways you're making your life harder than it has to be.

But just like most business and life lessons, Tim's 10 tips can help you make your marriage easier by simply asking yourself how the principles apply specifically to your marriage.

His tips are below. And my thoughts and responses to each of them follow.

So… let me know in the comments. How are you making your marriage tougher than it has to be?

And here's the podcast episode where I talk a little bit more about this list! To subscribe to the podcast you can head on over to iTunes or Stitcher.  You can also listen to more episodes on Facebook, JoyRide, or right here on the site!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

1. You ascribe intent.

Does your wife squeeze the toothpaste from the middle because she hates your mom? Is your husband 20 minutes late for your family reunion because he secretly thinks he should have married his ex?

Probably not. She probably just squeezed it from the middle growing up. And he's probably just bad with time. I bet he runs late for other things, too.

So slow down for a second. Stop trying to connect the dots. You'll be much happier.

2. You’re the star of your own movie.

When your wife says she had a rough day do you give her a hug and ask how you can help her? Or do you say “you think that was bad, I got stuck in traffic and my boss didn't let me grab lunch?!?!”

It's not always about you, dude. Take a supporting role and watch the bliss happen.

3. You fast forward to apocalypse.

The world is not going to end because your wife shrunk your best shirt that they don't make anymore. You will not end up homeless because she accidentally forgot to pay a bill on time.

Yes, perfectly avoidable things happen. Annoyances happen. Relax. At least you still have internet access… it can't be that bad.

4. You have unrealistic and/or uncommunicated expectations.

What do you expect from your wife? If your answer sounds like “not much. As long as the kids are fed, washed, in bed by 7:30, asleep by 7:45, and oh yeah, she needs to make more money than me so I can travel the world to establish myself as the best nature photographer on the planet,” you're probably pretty miserable.

And you are probably pretty disappointed with your wife.

On the other hand, you're probably rockin' it on all levels if your answer sounds like “we both expect to love and respect each other and make sure if there are any specific things we want or need to bring it up during one of our many chats.”

So which one are you closer to? I definitely went through a patch of unrealistic and uncommunicated expectations. And, well, this blog wouldn't be called Confessions of a Terrible Husband if it worked out well….

5. You are waiting for a sign.

If you're waiting for someone to tell you to do something nice for your wife, read all the way down to the copyright notice at the bottom of this page. You're welcome.

6. You don’t take risks.

When's the last time you opened up to your wife about something that scares you? How about the last time you sought out a marriage mentor? Got coaching? Saw a counselor?

Those things are risky and could result in uncomfortable conversations, hurt feelings, rejection, feeling inadequate, or feeling like a failure.

But they also could begin a conversation that leads to truly connecting with your wife.

7. You constantly compare your life to others.

You know that couple that's always hugging, kissing, going on vacations, losing weight, climbing mountains, winning the lottery, and meeting famous people on Facebook?

Their lives aren't perfect either. They just don't post the crappy parts, like the bills, illnesses, loss, insecurities, or failures on Facebook. So stop comparing the highlights of their lives to your day-to-day grind, cool? Just focus on what you can do to create more meaningful moments and connections with the people closest to you and you'll be just fine.

8. You let other people steal from you.

You wouldn't hand your wallet to a stranger and say “go as far as it will take you,” would you? Why not?

Aside from the creep-factor and potential identity theft, it's because you want the content of that wallet to provide for your family's future, right?

So why do you let people steal time or energy from you that you could use to connect more meaningfully with your family?

Set up boundaries around your marriage and you'll be well on your way to a more meaningful marriage.

9. You can’t/won’t let go.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. But here's a hint. If you think or say “this is just like the time…,” “you always,” or “you never,” you need to let go of something.

Create a list of things that you need to forget. And move on. Please.

10. You don’t give back.

Make it a habit of making deposits into your marriage and giving back to your wife without expecting anything in return. A good rule of thumb is to make giving versus asking no less than a 3 to “stop counting jerk” ratio to achieve true happiness.

So there you have it. 10 Ways You Are Making Your Marriage Tougher Than It Has To Be.

Numbers 1, 4, 6, and 8 are my biggest issues. How about you?

How are you making your marriage tougher than it has to be?