In May 2013 I was in a lot of pain.  I was uncomfortable. I was unsure. Confused.

The only thing I was sure about was that something needed to change. Something big.

And I knew I needed to start with me.

I had been lost in a sea of success without significance, thinking that one more win, one more client, one more accolade, would be just what I needed for my family to achieve peace.

I had to find my way. I had to finally become an effective leader at home. And someone who I would want my children to model.

I was really, really nervous. I knew what I had to do. But I didn't know what to do or how to do it.

And I was really worried that it might be too late.

I looked around me and saw heartache. I looked carefully for people who had done what I had been doing and stayed married for decades to their first spouse.

The numbers were terrible. Out of hundreds of couples less than five couples had done what I had been doing and been married for 25 years or more. To this day I can think of two.

My suspicions were confirmed.

I had to change. Big time.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But I knew it would be worth it.

The first month was tough. I had just committed to working tirelessly to improve my marriage and surround myself with people whose marriages looked like what I wanted mine to become.

People like Dan and Joanne Miller.  People like Kent and Kathy Julian.

In person and online.  From hanging out with friends watching sports and complaining about their nagging wives, I shifted my time to reading and watching real businesspeople who had strong marriages.

People like Michael Hyatt, Jon Acuff, Jeff Goins.

These are people who were succeeding in business and in life.

I have learned more about marriage and business just watching those folks go about their regular routine in a way that models family first and having your priorities straight than I could imagine learning in a leading MBA program.

Sometimes I'd get frustrated when I caught myself comparing where I was to where they were. I was doing well in business, but on shaky ground, and struggling mightily at home.

They were thriving in business and life.

And then eight words from Jon Acuff echoed through me:

Never compare your beginning to someone else's middle — Jon Acuff

There were several areas in which I was in the middle of my story. Most of them had to do with law or business.

But in marriage I may have been 5 years in, but I was still at the beginning of my story.

So instead of becoming frustrated by comparison I became motivated by aspiration.

I knew that each of those couples had worked hard anywhere from a few years to almost five decades prioritizing marriage over anything else.

And because of that, they achieved success in both marriage and business.

I had just spent 5 years doing the opposite.

Their relationships were not a relevant comparison to mine.

I was still in the beginning of my story.

I've learned three things over the last year and a half since I took control of my story:

1. It can and does get better.

2. Marriages have seasons.

Some are more hectic than others. Some have a lot of responsibilities like kids, work, or extended family obligations. Some have less. But a lot of the important details like how you treat your spouse with the time you have are controllable in any season – and that's what matters most.

3. Finally, comparisons are rarely helpful.

You will never find a comparison that is accurate. So stop looking. A vacation picture on Facebook is just that – a snapshot. Your life is not a snapshot. It's a movie. A long story.

And if you catch yourself making a comparison, remember that you may be in a different season in life or marriage than that person.

So instead of comparing yourself with other people and getting frustrated, surround yourself with people who prioritize the things you want to prioritize and provide information that will lead you there. Take their examples as something to aspire to, rather than become frustrated by comparison.

Turn your comparisons into aspirations and start heading intentionally in that direction.

Never, ever compare your beginning to other people's middle.

You'll get there too.

Because one truth remains.

No matter what season of life you're in, today is the beginning the rest of your story.

In May 2013 I was working my way up the corporate ladder.  I had a great job and made great money.  But something was missing.

I enjoyed my work when I was there.  I loved what I did.  But the hours were voluminous and unpredictable. I was called into the office during birthdays, worked 46 hours from vacation, and had to cancel (or refused to commit to) countless dinners and day trips.

My job came first.

And while we all go through seasons of life where work takes up more time or energy than other parts of your life, I was about to start my tenth year of that.

That's a long season.

So when it was time for me to make a change not just any job would do.

I knew where I wanted to be. And I knew what I wanted my job to look like.

I knew another law firm was out of the question.

And I knew the type of law I would practice needed to change.  After 10 years.

Changing up where and how I practiced law was one of the biggest positive influences on improving my marriage.

I now work a very-predictable schedule that permits me to be home and plan things with my family.

And I want to help you find or create work you love just like I did.

You spend way too much time working for you to be stuck doing something that you hate.

So I bought 10 autographed copies of Dan Miller's 48 Days to the Work You Love and am giving them all away!

I want to help 10 of you find or create work that you love!  Be sure to check in and let me know how it goes!

Here's how you can enter! Good luck!

In To Love and Be Loved, Sam Keen challenges whether “love” is something we can “fall” into.

“Falling” is passive, often unintentional. It's something that just “happens.” Love, on the other hand, is developed over time.  Even if you start out with strong emotions – the feeling of “love at first sight” – true love grows over time.

Love is a “complex art” that combines many factors, skills, and talents that is learned only over an entire lifetime. Love is not something that simply comes to be. It is something that is actively created, intentionally built.

So while we can quickly and unintentionally become curious, attracted, to, or even preoccupied by someone at first sight, simply “falling” in love, then, is impossible.

According to Mr. Keen:

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Let that sink in for a minute.

That's personal accountability at its finest. It flips the concept of love from something that comes to me (a perfect person) to something inside of me (how I see my imperfect wife).*

If I want to develop deeper love I need to strip away all the drama and emotions of marrying my love to my definition of a perfect person and start building a closer bond with my wife based on truly accepting her as imperfect.

But isn't that “settling”?

No. That's not settling. That's loving her for who she is, rather than some mythical superwoman who has no faults.

That's real love.

But don't I want to encourage my wife to grow, try new things, or tap into something “more”?

Sure. But what does that have to do with love?

I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't continue to develop as a person. I'm just saying that my love shouldn't be tied to it. At all.

So have I tied my love to her being perfect?

When you're as imperfect as me, the last thing you do is expect others to be perfect… so, no, my “love” has not been tied to my wife becoming perfect. If anything I wondered more about why she loved me, rather than what more she could do or be….

But reading Mr. Keen's quote certainly got me thinking that a lot of our frustrations stem from the disconnect between expectations and reality.

Even as simple as expecting her to act or react to something in a certain way has made me incredibly frustrated when she reacted in a different way.

And that frustration certainly doesn't add any loving feelings…

Embracing her as an imperfect woman and being more sympathetic to that backdrop has really helped me connect with her during those frustrating times and in forming a stronger marriage, even if it wasn't one of our greatest struggles.

Am I asking you to lower your standards?

Nope. But if you believe that love is an event that you can “fall into,” I am asking you to consider whether that viewpoint is short-changing you and your (current or future) spouse.

Because true love cannot be found by looking for (or lamenting that you didn't find) the perfect person.

It is built upon appreciating the imperfect qualities that make your spouse who they are and embracing those imperfections.

So I am I'm asking you to be very intentional in disconnecting your love from qualities that your spouse doesn't have. From who she isn't.

And actively love her for exactly who she is.

*Yes, I called my wife imperfect. I did that very intentionally. She is imperfect. We all are. But that's OK. Not expecting her to be perfect is the whole point…