So I was perusing my blog feed reader the other day when I came across a compelling blog post title by The Dating Divas.

(Yes, I subscribe to the Dating Divas RSS feed! I am also a proud member of the Happy Wives Club even though my wife isn't… yet.)

50+ Secrets of a Great Marriage, the title read.

Like any terrible husband that title intrigued me.

Naturally, I clicked over.

Jackpot!

50+ wives married anywhere from 1 to 60 years each sharing a nugget of wisdom about how to have a great marriage.

I like nuggets.

And wisdom.

There are some great insights into love and marriage over there, including a few that made me think, or laugh, like:

When in a fight get naked. You can’t be mad at someone naked 😉 {Marissa, married 3 years}

[Ha! Cute.]*

*DISCLAIMER: Do not try this when arguing with buddies, in a work meeting, or if you're arguing on bluetooth on the ride home, as the results will likely range from “ineffective” to “felonious.”

If you have kids or struggle avoiding arguments in public, you might agree to only fight naked. That would force you to either save your discussion for when you're home alone or get arrested for indecent exposure…

Hint: Choose home alone.

Learn to keep your mouth shut sometimes 😛 {Tiffany, married 6 years}

[Yep. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.]

Choose to love your spouse each and every day. And then show them that love. Don’t assume they know you love them. {Bill and Jenn, married 17 years}

[Read that last sentence twice.]

And, finally:

Be nice to each other! It’s shocking how many people forget that.” {Dana, married 28 years}

[That last one pretty much checks all the boxes. Simple and flexible.]

Pretty cool stuff.

Dana gets it. I imagine her husband gets it. It works in all contexts.

Argument? OK to disagree, but be nice.

Bringing up something that might be difficult to talk about? Be nice.

Tired? It's OK to ask for help or a break, but be nice, not entitled.

And, really, what's the alternative? Like… how are you going to argue the opposite of “be nice to each other” being an effective way to live?

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about marriage, love, relationships, manhood, and parenting over the last year or so.

I'll continue to share lessons, resources, ideas, and other things that impact me in my efforts to lead a movement of people who commit to stop pointing fingers and start taking personal responsibility over improving their relationships. I've shared several books with you over the last years. I'll continue to do that. But I will also be sure to include more blogs and other resources that have impacted me, like today!

There's some good stuff happening over at the Dating Divas site. Over 50 Secrets to a Great Marriage. I'm sure you'll love it.

Be sure to check it out and share your favorite from their list in the comments.

Or add your own!

A few weeks ago I was one of a few fortunate bloggers to receive a free copy of Kathi Lipp's new book, i need some help here! HOPE for When Your Kids Don't Go according to Plan.

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on from a parenting perspective, as our two very-high-energy kids present quite the challenge to both my wife and me on a daily basis. So I was naturally extremely happy to score a copy of i need some help here! to collect some wisdom from someone who has walked in my wife's shoes, get a sense of what my wife might be experiencing with our kids when I'm at work, and gain some pearls of wisdom on how to improve my parenting skills.

When I read a book I generally look for one big takeaway that I can apply to my life right away. And while that was not very difficult to find here, I was surprised to find that my greatest takeaway was more of a marriage lesson than a parenting one tucked in the middle of a story Kathi shared from Milaka Falk.

The story is one of a pretty aggressive tantrum during which her child bit, hit, flopped, and screamed his way through Wal-Mart on a TP run. I certainly related to the tantrum story. But what struck me most was Milaka's husband's response when she told him the story (and showed him her bruises – OUCH!).

My husband sat down and had a pretty intense heart-to-heart. He said that I was his wife and that he was in charge of taking care of me and protecting me, and he would do that no matter what. He said if Buddy ever hurt me again, he'd have to answer to my hubby. He didn't do this in a threatening way, but he did make his point.

I wasn't moved by the fact that her husband had a tough conversation with Buddy.  That would have happened in my home for sure.

But the “angle” he took with it surprised me.

I'm sure that I would have had the conversation from my son's perspective. (i.e. “Don't hurt your mother.).

But the perspective taken by Milaka's husband is pretty amazing and refreshing. Very different from what I expected, but I can see how it sets a tone that the parents are “one” and will protect each other.  And it says a lot about how her husband feels and thinks.

A nice little reminder of the commitment I made to protect my wife and the necessity to be united in our parenting. And an awesome mindset to have as a husband in general. Something I definitely need to adopt more consistently.

Husbands: How would you handle a conversation like this after one of your kids disrespected your wife? Pretty awesome job by Milaka's husband, no?  Am I the only one who would have “your mothered” the conversation?

Wives: I'd love to hear your thoughts on this – the effect it would have (if any) on you emotionally to hear your husband tell your child that you were his wife and he will protect you versus “don't hurt your mother” for example.

To me, it feels pretty different. And pretty powerful for your marriage while setting a tone (and example) for what your sons to do and daughters to expect when they're older.

I'd love to know your thoughts in the comments.

For those of you who haven't scored a copy, the book is on sale right now at Amazon and several other book stores. So check it out.

While I only shared the story that hit me closest, I'm sure you'll relate to several stories in the book. Kathi spends a lot of time exploring the emotions of a frustrated, overwhelmed, or scared parent through her strong Christian faith. She includes prayers, suggestions for when to pray, and numerous references to scripture relating to parenting challenges.

She also includes several stories from other mothers of their challenges and how they overcame difficult times with their children, stories from her own life, and practical wisdom and reflection to help guide newer parents (like me) or parents who are facing challenges from teenage or older children.

Check it out! Here's a little more info about Kathi and the book!

Want a quick fix to improve your marriage this week?

Well I just so happened to stumble upon one factor that I can control and can make an instantaneous boost in my marriage during my continuing research for the book and into taking personal responsibility over improving my marriage.

The best part about this is that it's something that we can control and has been identified through studies as the single most influential factor among a group of four that can predict divorce with 94% certainly.

Not surprisingly, each of the four involves destructive communication techniques. More on the other three in future posts… But today it's all about the big one…

Ready?

Contempt.

Yep, contempt.  Acting, speaking, or reacting (don't forget reacting) in a contemptuous manner has been identified by Dr. John Gottman as the single most toxic behavior of the four most corrosive negative behavior patterns.

So what exactly is contempt and how does it invade a marriage?

Contempt rears its ugly head when one spouse makes statements or body language that appears to come from a relative position of superiority.

This article from Psychology Today references some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation:

Here's some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation. Eye-rolling suggests contempt. An upper lip raised on one side suggests contempt. So does a sarcastic tone of voice. Beware if you have these habits, and also if you have been on the receiving end of these negative communications. They are sure signs that someone is not listening or listening to deprecate you (or you to deprecate your partner), not to gain understanding.

Empathy and contempt are polar opposites. Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant (“I know best”) disregard, dismissal and denigration of others' concerns. Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

Sounds harsh, right?

I bet by now you're thinking that there's no contempt coming from your side of the relationship, right?

I thought so, too. And then I spent a few days extra conscious about this and found a couple eye rolls and a dash of sarcasm, particularly in reactions [insert recipe for disaster pun here 😉 ].

I didn't even realize that I was an offender. Now that I know, I'm not surprised that this is so toxic. Even unintentional, I can see how hurtful this could be.

It's even crazier, because I never intend to come across that way. And like a yawn, contempt is contagious. Eye rolls beget eye rolls. Sarcasm, sarcasm. How quickly a perfectly normal discussion escalates when one side introduces contempt. And how quickly an argument can be prevented if the other person doesn't let contempt take over the conversation by fighting contempt with more contempt or reacting to perfectly constructive suggestions with contempt as a defense mechanism.

Have you let contempt creep into your conversations, even unintentionally, with a roll of the eyes or sarcastic tone?

So “slow your roll.”  “Putchya” lip down.  And save your sarcasm.  Like me, you may unintentionally be sending a destructive message of superiority to the woman you vowed to love above everyone else.  And that won't go anywhere good.

It's no secret that I have been absent from the blog for a few weeks now.

That's the bad news. 

The rest of the story is good news.

See… last year I made a promise to myself, to my family, that I would fight for them. For us. [click to tweet]

I promised to stop the stupid things that I did, like my my laziness and messed up priorities. And I promised to fight against anything else that sought to invade the boundaries of a healthy marriage and family life.

Six weeks ago the fight required more troops. More time. And more focus.

Something needed to give.

There was no single event that required me to buck up and hustle.

But the culmination of the move home, settling into the new home, tending to the house, starting a new job, and all the transition challenges that face two- and four-year-old kids boiled over and I needed to step back for a bit.

These few weeks taught me a lot about myself and my family, our strengths and weaknesses.

It also taught me a lot about you.

Last year nobody would have noticed if I stepped back from the computer for a few weeks.

But this year you are here.

So many of you wrote to me and asked if I was OK. That was awesome.

Naturally, given the name of this blog, me not posting for a while might be cause for alarm.

So thank you, so much, for reaching out. It means a lot to me to know that you care.

And while I did step back from the blog for a few weeks, I did quite a bit of work behind the scenes to set things up for moving forward with the book and a few other related projects.

For example, I worked behind the scenes to prepare to launch the Confessions of a Terrible Husband podcast, which will be launched soon, where I continue my self-exploration behind a microphone.

And I will also use that forum to bring you thought leaders on relationships to help us all look inward and take personal responsibility over improving our marriages.

I will also be including a “we did it!” segment that features success stories of regular folks like you and me, who overcame adversity, the hard times, and everything you might imagine, endured, committed, and succeeded in their relationships. 

But still, why not work on the blog instead of behind the scenes new projects? 

Two main reasons.  

First, it is important to me that this is a two-way blog. I don't post just for the sake of posting. I post to provide value to you. I post to invite you into the mind of someone who screwed it up and is working tirelessly to improve. Someone who is breaking himself down to the tiniest little pieces and slowly building himself back up as a better husband. 

And, like relationships, that requires me being “present,” and not “just present.”

It requires me to engage, relate, respond, reflect. I couldn't commit to those things. So I worked behind the scenes on what I could commit to.

Second, a lot of people don't read blogs. A lot of people don't read books. Some people prefer to listen to their content.

Instead of blogs, they prefer audio or video podcasts.

Instead of reading books they prefer listening to audio books.

So I'm working to share this content through those platforms, too, so that I can continue to engage with awesome folks like you who might not find themselves here or reading the upcoming book. 

I also believe so strongly in my message that taking personal responsibility over what you can control in a marriage that I want to scream it from the top of a mountain! I’ve been so blessed by the value and support I've received here. And I have received so many wonderful messages and success stories from husbands and wives who have turned their fingers back at themselves that I want to be sure I can relate to folks on other forms of media.

This will always be my home base. And it will always have updated content, news, etc.

But bringing the content to the audio world has been a plan and desire of mine for a long while.

And since I could work behind the scenes on that when my family didn't “need” me to be present, it was a great opportunity to start setting that up. More on this later!  

But now I'm back. [go ahead… try not to sing that in the “I Will Survive” melody… I dare you…]

Thanks, again, for sticking around. 

So what did I miss?

How have YOU been these last few weeks?

How have YOU improved YOUR marriage?

What’s been challenging you?