Category Archives: Contributors

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Making (True) Love: It’s More Than Just Ripping Your Clothes Off!

This is another post by Joanne Miller in which she talks about the difference between making “love” in your marriage and “making love” in your marriage. Be sure to share this wisdom from nearly five decades of marriage with other young couples!

Making (True) Love- It's More Than Just Ripping Your Clothes Off!Over ten years ago my daughter, Ashley, gifted me with a nicely bound book.

It's called Reflections From a Mother’s Heart, Your Life Story in Your Own Words.

And it’s meant to be a family legacy you leave for your children.

Every page has a new question to answer about my life. 

I pick it up every once in a while and fill out a page or two.

A question I just answered was a very interesting and thought-provoking question:

“What do you love best about Dad now?”

I have been married for over 47 years. That is a very long time.  I was single for barely nineteen years prior to becoming a bride.  So it is hard to even consider what life would be like without Dan. 

But what do I love most about him now?  It came to me easily. 

I love his voracious quest for learning and growing. I have always admired his wisdom from the day I met him and that has never waned.  But what hit me about this question that made me hesitate was that my love for Dan is nowhere near what it was when I was a young bride. It is not at all like it was when I was a young mother.  My love for him has changed a lot.

It concerns me that young couples expect to live the rest of their days waiting for their lover to come through the door, rip their clothes off, whisper undying love and devotion and spend every night in passionate love making. 

If you are one of those couples, let me be the first to burst that bubble. 

About the time you have three children throwing up all night and you are bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, making passionate love all night is about the furthest thing from your mind.  In fact, you may, during an episode like this, wish you had never MADE love in the first place! 

The truth is, love changes as you settle into the years together establishing a family, making a career, dealing with financial ups and downs, family disasters, health issues and myriad other life happenings.

As I wrote my answer to the question about what I love most about Dan now, I wrote: 

“I am more comfortable in our love.”

I could see mental eye-rolling by most young people who would think that by “more comfortable” I mean boring.  Let me be perfectly clear on this.  Life has NEVER been boring married to my husband.  In fact, perhaps a little boredom would be a welcome reprieve from the adventures we have had in the last 47 years. 

By the time you are married for as many decades as I have been, love is so much deeper than you can possibly imagine it to be……. if both parties have diligently worked to make it so. 

It takes decades of working together to create that deep commitment.  I added to my answer that another thing I love most about Dan is that he has done whatever he needed to do to keep peace between us. 

He has put me first.  Even before our beautiful daughter who gave me this book. Even before our two incredible sons.  Even before business, friends and extended family. 

I came first. Always and forever.  And the same is true of my dedication to him. 

That’s the only way it works.  Our lives have not been about standing our ground and being right but it has been totally about “How can I love and serve you well?”

Now, don’t read this wrong.  We aren’t too old to enjoy a passionate night!  The point is, love changes.  And that is the way it should be. And when life seems to crowd out the desire to open the door, rip off your clothes, and jump in the sack with your dream lover, don’t get discouraged.  There are so many more dimensions to deep love that are ever-changing…..and infinitely comfortable. 

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).

In her new book, Be Your Finest Art, you will find more ideas about how to be a better communicator and listener and how playing games creates great memories and family time. This book is full of color and art and is a unique and beautiful gift for that special someone as we approach St. Valentine's Day or just to say “I love you.”

She has also authored four children’s books, which my kids LOVE. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!

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How 10 Words From My Wife Changed How I Think About Life and Death

How 10 Words From My Wife Changed How I Think About Life and DeathOn September 11, 1995 an ill-advised left turn changed my life forever. At 6:54pm EST, someone cut right in front of me, leaving me with no time to stop. What resulted was a head-on collision.

I was dead at the scene. Paramedics didn't think I was going to pull through.

Obviously, I'm here to tell you about it, so the short story is that I made it.

I share the long story in my book if you're interested in the story and shameless plugs. 🙂

I became almost obsessed with death at that moment. Death was no longer theoretical. I had looked it in the eyes and came back for a second chance. I was scared. It took me a while to bounce back emotionally, and in many ways I still struggle from the accident.

But when my mind came back and my thoughts shifted to moving forward from “what happened” mode, my focus was singular: build wealth at all costs.

I've always been a “family guy.” I've always wanted to be “married with children.” I've always wanted to use television show names to describe myself…. Ok, just the first two are true. The last one is my ADHD coming through, ironically causing me to lose focus on my post about focus…

My dreams of being a husband and father combined with my newfound obsession with death caused me to decide that I needed to build wealth, and build it fast.

I followed the money, rather than my heart.

Success, to me, was having enough money so that my family would not have to worry about putting food on the table or keeping the lights on while I was alive and could survive financially in my absence if I was not.

This was my mindset for a long… long time… because I was afraid that death would take a significant income source from those who loved and depended on me.

After I changed jobs and moved home and set boundaries to prioritize my family while I build my business, my almost obsession with death (that I kept inside for a long time) subsided, but I still worried a bit about the future and what the legacy to my family would be if I died. I wondered that in silence quite a bit, but I could tell my wife sensed something was wrong.

I don't hide that I took a significant pay cut to move back to Massachusetts and find a job where working late or on the weekends is rare, rather than the norm.

In many ways I love that I took such a big pay cut.

For a guy as obsessed with building wealth as I was, accepting that pay cut told me that I'm onto something; it told me that I'm capable of change and that my focus was in the right place.

And I knew that once I focused on building my business in the hours we set for me to work I could make up the difference through my business. We treated last year was a transition year in so many ways, and this year as the year we launch, first with my book release, and then with several really exciting other projects that I've been building.

But my wife sensed that a not-so-small part of me was still focused on death and money.

I'm not entirely sure if she even remembers saying it, but almost in passing she said ten words that echo through me and completely changed how I think about death.

We were talking one day about money and pay and “the move” and work and my businesses and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I was being very literal, very methodical. I was talking about hours, and numbers, and taxes, and benefits, and side businesses, and all the things that you would expect given my history.

She was nodding and listening and reacting in a very supportive manner.

We both talked a lot.

I don't remember much of what was said other than the ten words:

We don't care about the money. We care about you.

I know and I knew that was true.

Those ten words hit me like a ton of bricks – like another Buick making a left turn through my lane.

I knew that a simple life insurance policy could replace my earnings if I died and that we lived a relatively simple lifestyle that didn't require a huge paycheck so we didn't “need” a ton of money while I was here.

My family wants “me.” My presence. They don't care about all the places I want to take my wife or lessons I want to teach my kids before I died.

They just want to be with me.

And right then I realized that life is not about the volume of accomplishments you can check off before you die.

Life is about how well you live with whatever time you have here.

A good life should be judged on qualitative, not quantitative factors.

Each additional day provides an opportunity to “live well,” and not just “do more.”

Viewing death differently since that day has been incredible.

It made me realize that I could accumulate a ton of money and check off a bunch of “things” before death and still have not truly lived.

But I can also live incredibly well without checking off very many “things” at all.

Pretty cool.

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7 Ways to Live And Love After the Kids Move Out

This post by Joanne Miller is really exciting to me for a lot of reasons, but especially because it answers a question from a reader who asked how to prepare for her upcoming “empty nest.” Joanne provides seven ways right here. And if you're in the midst of your empty nest season, she emphasizes that it's never too late!
7 Ways to Live And Love After the Kids Move Out

© depositphotos.com/dmbaker

 

The years fly by and the anticipation of the inevitable “empty nest” can create uncertainty and anxiety about your relationship. I have witnessed marriages dissolve because there is no longer any feeling of connection or tenderness.

Is it too late? Is the love gone forever? Is empty nest the end of an era or the beginning of a freedom that brings with it a chance for more depth in relationship than ever before?

If there are children in the mix, there is a bond and a history that can’t be erased; a comfort level with one another that is hard to establish in a new relationship. I am going to assume you don’t want to throw out all the years leading up to this point of life-after-kids, have not endured years of abuse, and you value the relationship and the history. You want to enjoy living out the rest of your years together in a way that brings joy and adventure, not just endurance and tolerance. It’s never too late if you value the history you share; the commitment to one another and to your family.

1. Make Time

Having a serious talk about your relationship is never easy. But it is essential to moving forward. If you can’t lay the cards on the table and talk like adults, get a counselor to mediate. This should not be a time to fight. Discussing why you feel a disconnect should not be accusatory or hateful. A good counselor can help tremendously if you have trouble communicating or articulating.

2. Work to Regain the Romance

Schedule some trips together. Quit using work or the kids or your important meetings as an excuse. Your relationship should take precedent. Life-after-kids can be the most amazing season ever. Begin date nights. Watch the movies, Date Night, Hope Springs and The Mirror Has Two Faces. No doubt you will see some similarities in relationships-gone-stale. Take a cruise. Take weekend road trips. You will find excitement in planning together, a rekindled connection in the anticipation.

3. Focus on the Positive

It’s there. You might have to reboot your brain a bit but if you start listing the positives in your marriage, family and spouse, you might begin to look at the overall picture with new eyes. It is easy to fall into the habit of seeing the worst in a person, letting those little irritations undermine your love and respect. I have actually asked myself, “Do I really think Dan would purposely set out to make me angry or to be hateful?” I know the answer is no. Why would he deliberately try to undermine our relationship?

4. Find Common Interests

Take a class together. Don’t settle for “We have nothing in common!” Dan and I are polar opposites in many ways. We have spent years working to find things we can do together. Gardening, dancing, home projects, rides in the country, discussing a book we are both reading. The list is endless when you don’t have to worry about anyone but the two of you.

5. Find New Friends

If you don’t have any good couples you like to hang out with, find marriages you would like to emulate. Organize game nights or a dinner club with couples who have strong, healthy marriages and watch what they do. Do NOT spend all your spare time with your grown children and their families. They need to work on their own issues without your hovering and “hiding out”. You need to make time for the two of you.

6. Reach Out and Touch

It thrills me, even after over four decades of marriage, to have Dan put his arm around me or hold my hand. When we walk, when we are in a group or alone in the car….Dan and I touch a lot. It may sound hokey but that small gesture of “I care” does a lot to create intimacy in a relationship. And the more you touch, the more easily you close the gap that occurs when you have disconnect. You’d be surprised how holding hands can open up a floodgate of conversation.

7. Remember Your History

Take time to look through family photo albums and videos and reminisce about the events you have experienced together. Remember why you fell in love and talk about what you still admire in one another. Any good relationship takes work. It never just happens. But the result is so worth it. Those years after the children are gone should be some of the happiest of your life.

What are you doing now to prepare for the Empty Nest season of your life?

What example are you showing your children about marriage, family and love?

Are you “hiding out” from your marriage by overly immersing your energies into being a parent? Can you own responsibility for rekindling the romance instead of waiting for your spouse to initiate?

Joanne Miller has been happily married for over four decades to career coach and author Dan Miller (48 Days To the Work You Love).

In her new book, Be Your Finest Art, you will find more ideas about how to be a better communicator and listener and how playing games creates great memories and family time. This book is full of color and art and is a unique and beautiful gift for that special someone as we approach St. Valentine's Day or just to say “I love you.”

She has also authored four children’s books, which my kids LOVE. She and Dan have three grown children and twelve grandchildren and lots of years living the entrepreneurial roller-coaster life of adventure!

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009: Achieving balance in life and marriage

Achieving balance in life and marriageOne of my biggest mental struggles over the last decade was my battle for “balance.”

The world told me that “good lives” were balanced. It became cliché. Every time I heard the term I wanted to puke for three reasons that I'll get into down below.

For this episode of the Confessions of a Terrible Husband Podcast I invited Aaron Walker, a business man and life coach over at View From the Top to talk with me about balance.

I've followed Aaron's blog and coaching practice for a while and know him to be wise and giving. I also have two friends who hired Aaron as their coach and they sing Aaron's praises as a coach, mentor, and man.  He's the real deal. So I wanted to get his advice on achieving balance in life and marriage.

Here's a little bit more about Aaron.

Be sure to pick up a copy of Boundaries, a great book that I highly recommend, which Aaron was kind enough to give away to a few lucky listeners. Still a great read and buy, even if you didn't win!

Aaron also recommends another book I got tremendous value from called Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs. Another excellent book on behavior and marriage.

Man I get so pumped thinking back to this interview with Aaron!

Here's the audio to check it out:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Okay, are you still wondering why I wanted to puke every time I heard the term “work/life balance” between 2004 and mid-2013 (and still struggle with the concept today)?

Here are the top 3 reasons:

1. I didn't have it and couldn't figure out how to get it.

For the first 10 years of my career I slept and worked. That's pretty much it.

Everything else came in when it fit in.

I worked out intermittently. I vacationed only when my wife put her foot down and planned one. Weekend trips? Last minute at best.

My life was driven by the demands of my career.

And my career, while going well, was unpredictable. A client would get sued or have an emergency and need someone to run to court Monday morning to ask a judge to protect them from someone or something. My phone would ring. I'd jump.

In other words, work/life balance meant work was my life 100% of the time.

2. “Balance” is “sneaky subjective.”

The term balance sounds simple. The visual of the scales of justice with both sides at an equal level immediately comes to mind. Or two kids on a playground on a see saw, both suspended in mid air with the plank parallel to the ground.

But then “life” comes in. You have 168 hours in the week. Are you supposed to divide them in equal parts between work, sleep, and play (or other things that are important to you)?

If so, does your commute “count” for work or play? What if you listen to great podcasts or read books during your commute? Does that change anything?

Does sleep even “count”?

And what time frame are you talking about? I've just talked about weekly balance here? But is that even the right time frame to use to measure? Months? Days?

Finally, what's the end game? Equilibrium over whatever time frame you choose?

I'm getting annoyed just typing this! All of these questions make a seemingly objective term sneaky subjective and frustrating.

3. My wants and needs changed over time.

Just when I thought I had a good run and might have “figured it out” something new would come up.

A new kid. A new case. A sick family member. Something.

Life isn't linear. It's more like a stock chart than a pie chart (although more pie would be nice…).

Our needs would change day-to-day, month to month, and year to year.

So any “balance” would have to change over time. And that doesn't sound very “balanced” does it?

But then I realized that balance is more mind than math.

I spent so much time counting hours, days, and weeks that my brain hurt.

Then I realized that it didn't matter what my time records said, I only felt balanced when my mind was at ease with my schedule.

If we were picking vegetables on my birthday but I was taking calls from work and talking about work to be done over that weekend so we can get into court Monday morning I didn't feel very balanced at that moment, even if that moment technically was pretty “balanced” because I was physically with my family but mentally working…. (True story.).

Balance was where my brain was.

And this is why I have essentially given up on achieving “balance” in the objective sense and instead concentrate on planning for imbalance that I enjoy.

My brain feels better and my family and friends get the best of me.

What about you? What's your biggest struggle relating to “balance”? What's worked for you to feel more balanced?

Let's chat about them in the comments.