If you’re in the midst of becoming a better spouse, you know it’s not easy.

Whether you have been married five months, years or decades, habits are tough to break.

Especially if when the stress levels rise, you ask the wrong questions.

In John Miller’s books, “QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life,” and “Parenting the QBQ Way,” he discusses putting personal accountability into action by asking better questions of ourselves and others.

He has built an entire business on this concept.

So instead of asking a victim, or “incorrect question,” at work or at home, like “Why doesn’t my spouse help me out more?” John encourages us to ask “How can I better communicate my needs?”

This directs responsibility to the person asking the question (you!), who you can control, instead of the person hearing the question (your spouse), who you can’t.

It also works wonders to avoid conflict if you ask yourself the right questions early enough.

I’ve been putting this method to the test at home since I picked up Parenting the QBQ Way a short while ago (the concept applies equally to marriage as it does to parenting because it focuses on you).

Example:

I like to put my work clothes out at night for the next day. Last week I put a sweater right from the dryer to our dresser and went to bed. Normally I put a button down shirt on a hanger behind the door so she doesn't notice. But it's gotten cold, so it was time for a sweater.

The next morning it was gone. My wife put it away.

After initially being a bit frustrated because that meant I needed to steam it or find a new shirt, I remembered QBQ and Parenting the QBQ Way and decided to take personal responsibility for it. It seemed backwards, of course. She moved the sweater.

But I knew she doesn’t like clutter, particularly clothes around the house. I often tell the story about how she was once picking up clothes for the hamper as I was changing and didn’t realize I still had one foot in my pants as she started dragging me and the pants over to the hamper…

And I knew she wasn’t trying to complicate my morning.

So instead of asking “why did you move my sweater,” a victim question that does nothing but put her on the defensive, I paused, and said: “I know you didn’t mean any harm by it, but I want to put my clothes out at night in so I can quickly get ready in the morning. What can I do to make sure it doesn’t bother you?”

Her response? “Sorry, I thought you just left it there. I didn’t like the clutter. How about you put your clothes out in your office? This way I won’t even notice.”

Problem solved because I asked the right question.

Before QBQ I would have at least been frustrated. Worst case we would have argued about “why she can't just leave my clothes alone.”  After QBQ I realized early on that she had no bad intentions and I could totally avoid this in the future with a solution that works for both of us.

BOOM!

What little recurring themes at your house have you been unable to resolve no matter how many different ways you have tried?

Maybe it’s time to ask better questions.

If you're looking for a quick and awesome read, QBQ and Parenting the QBQ Way are two great reads.  You can read both of them in one night and instantaneously improve your life.