Want a quick fix to improve your marriage this week?

Well I just so happened to stumble upon one factor that I can control and can make an instantaneous boost in my marriage during my continuing research for the book and into taking personal responsibility over improving my marriage.

The best part about this is that it's something that we can control and has been identified through studies as the single most influential factor among a group of four that can predict divorce with 94% certainly.

Not surprisingly, each of the four involves destructive communication techniques. More on the other three in future posts… But today it's all about the big one…

Ready?

Contempt.

Yep, contempt.  Acting, speaking, or reacting (don't forget reacting) in a contemptuous manner has been identified by Dr. John Gottman as the single most toxic behavior of the four most corrosive negative behavior patterns.

So what exactly is contempt and how does it invade a marriage?

Contempt rears its ugly head when one spouse makes statements or body language that appears to come from a relative position of superiority.

This article from Psychology Today references some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation:

Here's some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation. Eye-rolling suggests contempt. An upper lip raised on one side suggests contempt. So does a sarcastic tone of voice. Beware if you have these habits, and also if you have been on the receiving end of these negative communications. They are sure signs that someone is not listening or listening to deprecate you (or you to deprecate your partner), not to gain understanding.

Empathy and contempt are polar opposites. Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant (“I know best”) disregard, dismissal and denigration of others' concerns. Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

Sounds harsh, right?

I bet by now you're thinking that there's no contempt coming from your side of the relationship, right?

I thought so, too. And then I spent a few days extra conscious about this and found a couple eye rolls and a dash of sarcasm, particularly in reactions [insert recipe for disaster pun here 😉 ].

I didn't even realize that I was an offender. Now that I know, I'm not surprised that this is so toxic. Even unintentional, I can see how hurtful this could be.

It's even crazier, because I never intend to come across that way. And like a yawn, contempt is contagious. Eye rolls beget eye rolls. Sarcasm, sarcasm. How quickly a perfectly normal discussion escalates when one side introduces contempt. And how quickly an argument can be prevented if the other person doesn't let contempt take over the conversation by fighting contempt with more contempt or reacting to perfectly constructive suggestions with contempt as a defense mechanism.

Have you let contempt creep into your conversations, even unintentionally, with a roll of the eyes or sarcastic tone?

So “slow your roll.”  “Putchya” lip down.  And save your sarcasm.  Like me, you may unintentionally be sending a destructive message of superiority to the woman you vowed to love above everyone else.  And that won't go anywhere good.