I'm really excited for this Guest Confession by Tammy Helfrich!  If you're interested in sharing a Guest Confession, shoot me an e-mail at nick (at) aterriblehusband (dot) com and get you all the details!  Now I'll turn the post over to Tammy.  Be sure to check out some other places to read or listen to Tammy after the post.

There were words I couldn’t say for a long time in my marriage. They weren’t the three words you’re thinking of. I could say those.

I didn’t really think about not being able to say these words. It was implied that I didn’t want to say them, and my husband felt it strongly. I just didn’t realize it.

Don’t misunderstand. We have had a good marriage. We started dating when I was 18, and we were friends first. We stayed together through college and married after seven years of dating. We had fun together. We were comfortable together. There was no doubt in my mind that we would always be okay. We’d make it through whatever life threw at us. That’s what I always thought. There were no worries about staying together.

Then, we had kids. Our marriage changed. There was so much more stress! We had been used to being a couple for so long, that we really struggled with it. Of course, we wouldn’t admit it. Or, I wouldn’t. Suddenly, the third and fourth person in our family, although full of joy and happiness, sucked the life out of our couple time.

It happened slowly over time. I didn’t see it happening. Just like we often don’t see the fifteen pounds creep on, even though we know we are making bad choices. The boys became my priority. Not my husband. I’m a full time working mother and wife. Between a stressful job, two kids and a husband, someone often got left out of the equation.  That person was my husband. His needs and desires for affirmation were put on the backburner.

He tried to tell me. He’d say it casually, or in the middle of a big fight. But, I didn’t want to hear it. I refused to listen. In fact, when he did say it, I would get irritated and think to myself, “I already have two kids. I don’t need a third.” He was just being childish, in my opinion.

Looking back, it’s so clear to me now. But, it wasn’t then. It took a wrecking ball, hours of counseling, and the actual possibility of losing our marriage to finally break down the wall I had built around my heart.

What did I finally have to learn to say?

I NEED YOU.

It’s so simple. Yet, I had missed it for the first 10 years of our marriage.

My husband truly believed I didn’t need him. For anything!

That is how my actions made him feel. When I think about that, it seems crazy to me that I missed it for so long. In counseling, I came to the realization of what had driven this behavior.  It’s certainly not an excuse, but it helps me understand it.

My dad passed away when I was 14. I watched my mom have to return to the workforce in her mid-50’s. I didn’t consciously make the decision, but I most certainly made it subconsciously. I also found old journals from high school where I had later written it.

“I will never depend on ANYONE for anything.”

I had no idea that making that decision so long ago would impact my marriage so many years later. One of my husband’s love languages is words of affirmation. I was starving this love language of his. Because I was self-sufficient and chose not to recognize this, I made him feel alone.

Thankfully, I can say those words now.

I NEED HIM.

I mean them wholeheartedly. I do need him. Our family needs him. He is an integral part. And, I make sure to tell him often. I choose to build him up with words instead of neglect him with my self-sufficiency. And it has made all the difference in the world.

Maybe these aren’t the words your spouse needs to hear. Maybe there are other words. Or maybe there is another love language that you need to nurture. Whatever it is, take some time to talk about it with your spouse. Choose to work together to make sure that you are helping each other grow and feel appreciated rather than neglected.

What’s one thing you can do today to encourage or build up your spouse?

Tammy Helfrich challenges people to embrace their story. She loves to share encouragement, and inspiring stories. She is the author of Becoming a LifeChanger: Move Away From Ordinary, and the host of the Right Where You Are podcast.  You can find her on Twitter@TammyHelfrich or on her blog www.tammyhelfrich.com.