“I just wanted to tell you, I don't know what you are doing with my husband, but he's a totally different person. He is extra amazing! I think everyday how LUCKY I am…”

I was a little shocked when I received this message from my client's wife. One of his goals was to have an amazing relationship with his wife and dramatically improve their communication. We took a few steps toward this goal but to hear his wife say, “he is extra amazing!” after two weeks, had me wondering what had happened.

1. Argument Free Growth

Too often, discussions about relationship challenges between a husband and wife are held in the middle of a disagreement. Arguments start to become associated with “working on the relationship.” No wonder this topic is so often avoided! As self-aware and introspective as you might think you are, it is almost impossible to make significant progress when you're angry or feeling attacked. What if working on your relationship was in no way related to an argument or negative event?

A good way to start this conversation is by taking a personality profile together and comparing your results. I had my client and his wife take the DISC Personality Profile and we set up a time to talk through the results together. The DISC is around $30 per test. There are many others available such as Myers Briggs, Enneagram and Strengths Finder. I've found the DISC to be the simplest to understand.

(Side note: If you're interested in taking the DISC email Michael at Michael@mcgreevyleadership.com)

It gave them a conflict free starting point to talk about personality differences and the unique struggles and strengths of each person.

My client became aware of things that he had never learned in the throes of their disagreements. Her needs became more clear and he began to better understand why she did what she did.

Action Item 1: Take a personality test together and schedule a time to compare results.

2. Ask Her “The Question”

You may assume you know what your spouse wants and have already decided that whatever you do, will never be enough. Is it more money, more romantic dates, more flowers, more time, more help around the house? When is the last time you asked this question? Ready for it, here it is. “How can I love you and support you better?”

My client assumed that his wife was unhappy because he wasn't providing a long list of things that he thought he was supposed to do but could never keep up with. Then, he asked, “The Question.” To his surprise, her answer was simple. “I want you to hug me, kiss me and tell me how much you love me.” What? That's it? “Yup, it makes me feel more loved.” This slight genuine expression has dramatically improved their relationship.

Action Item 2: Ask “The Question”

3. Ask Yourself “The Question”

It's easy to try something for a day or even a week, but it always seems to fizzle out after the craziness of life takes over. Asking this question everyday can help keep you on track. “What can I do to make her feel loved today? One thing big or small every day adds up to an amazing relationship over time. It can be as simple as a note telling her that you are thinking about her or doing all the dishes and telling her to rest. The trick is, you have to be willing to respond to this question with action even if you aren't getting what you want from her. That is part of loving her unconditionally. She is the most important person in your life, find ways to make that perfectly clear.

Action Item 3: Ask this question everyday: What can I do to make her feel loved today?